The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, promises Britain will host the 2012 Olympic games "in our own sweet way," which I took as a heavy hint to the rest of the world that we had no intention of following the Chinese in spending billions of dollars on fireworks. Sorry, rest of the world, fireworks are very much their thing in China, and it would be unwise - and very expensive - for us to try and compete.
Continuing to read Boris's sub-text, I suspect he is also ceding superiority to Beijing in the area of spectacular mass drumming displays at opening and closing ceremonies. But the Mayor's manifesto has set one or two of us thinking what exactly "our own sweet way" is here in Britain. The Chinese clearly have a gift for epic projects that is denied us. It is what China is famous for. I remember a football commentary once on a match involving China, in which their opponents, awarded a free-kick on the edge of the penalty area, effortlessly curled the ball round the defenders and into the back of the net. "You would think," complained the commentator, "if any country could organise a decent wall, it would be China."
The Great Wall, you see, is the iconic representation of China - I bet they brought it in on budget, too - supposedly the one man-made structure visible from space, although I think that might be popular myth. It is part of China's tradition to think big, and follow it through. In Britain it is more about muddling through. Big projects like the Millennium Dome and the new Wembley Stadium have only recently found a role for themselves - the Dome as the O2 Arena - years late and massively over budget. The surprise is that the London bus scheduled for the Olympic handover in Beijing actually arrived on time.
As far as the Olympics are concerned, we are already three times over budget in the UK, our tab currently standing at £9.3 billion before we have bought so much as a sparkler, or made a 'phone call to Phil Collins in Geneva to see how he is fixed for August 2012. Boris, one supposes, is reluctant to place further burdens on British taxpayers, who are facing a recession. What is more, with his Conservatives likely to form Britain's next government, he is not about to sign any cheques David Cameron will not be able to honour. So I think it is safe to assume that "our own sweet way" really means our own cheap way.
Frankly, after paying for the facilities, there is not much left for opening and closing shindigs. But, I have a few suggestions for competitively priced statements Britain might make to the world. My first idea was simply to have our gold medal winners from Beijing saunter into the arena, nonchalantly swinging their medals around, and carrying a placard with the slogan: Stuff You Australia. But let us not be petty. I am sure we can find an equally economical way to welcome the world to London.
Many of the ideas currently floating around involve pop and rock music, as if that were our great gift to civilisation. But my view is that groups like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones merely took an American music and popularised it. Comedy is really our gift to the world. Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel, who more or less invented the business, came from Britain, as did the godfather of stand-up, Bob Hope. So for the opening ceremony I envisage phalanxes of performers in bowler hats in a giant messy custard pie fight; and spelled out in the sky in supermarket fireworks, words which are never far from the lips of a true Brit, and may serve as a slogan for spectators waiting for a tube to take them to the games: Mustn't Grumble.
sports@thenational.ae