You already know what’s coming in Star Wars

Rob Long doesn't want to spoil the film for you, but.

In this scene from "Star Wars: The Force Awakens", Rey and BB-8 hear how the film really ends. (Film Frame/Disney/Lucasfilm via AP)

The most amazing scene in the new Star Wars film, Episode VII: The Force Awakens, is the moment when it’s revealed that the new evil overlord of the galaxy – a sinister, vaporous character – is actually Luke Skywalker, the former Jedi knight now turned to the dark side, just like his father before him, Darth Vader.

I guess I should have put “spoiler alert” at the top of that last paragraph.

That’s what you’re supposed to do, whenever you’re about to give away a plot twist or the details of a particularly exciting scene in a film or television show.

The rule is: shout “spoiler alert” before beginning your remarks, so that people who haven’t seen the picture – or, more often these days, people who have not caught up to the most recent episode of a television series – can run from the room, hands over their ears, repeating urgently, “Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me!”

If you’re one of those people and you’re now muttering curses in my direction for giving away a major plot twist in the current blockbuster Star Warsinstalment, you can put your mind at ease. That little titbit is entirely made up.

I invented it out of whole cloth just to illustrate what kind of thing might require a spoiler alert, and also because I know that Star Wars fanatics take this sort of thing very seriously and are therefore enormous fun to tease. If you’re going to mess with someone’s head, choose someone with a neurotic love for Star Wars is my advice.

Oh, and I almost forgot: Princess Leia dies in the movie.

Sorry! Sorry! I really should have put a spoiler alert right before that! That way, if this kind of thing is important to you – if, in other words, you’re a Star Wars nerd – and you haven’t yet seen the film, it wouldn’t now be spoiled for you, knowing that Princess Leia dies right when she sees Luke Skywalker in a Darth Vader mask.

Whoops. That last sentence really did need a spoiler alert. So sorry!

Again: I’m kidding. Those things don’t happen in the movie.

By this point, if there were any Star Wars nerds reading these words, they’ve now either had full-on panic attacks and lost consciousness or have fled the room, shouting “Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me!”

And that means it’s just us, the normal people, left.

So, between us, let me make a confession: I was one of those besotted Star Wars fans who gathered very late last Thursday night (or very early Friday morning, depending on how you look at it) and stood in line in the cold night air to see the latest chapter of the epic struggle between the dark and the light sides of The Force.

I saw the new film, which is breaking box office records across the world, with a lot of other Star Wars nerds – some of whom, crazily, even came in costume.

It was an awfully chilly night for a Jedi cloak.

For the record: I dressed in normal clothes. No Wookie costume for me.

And as much as I enjoyed it – and it really is a terrific film – I can’t honestly say it surprised me, or dazzled me with its twists and turns. In fact, just the opposite.

I enjoyed how closely it stayed in the familiar groove of the Star Wars iconography: there are lightsabres and the Millennium Falcon and a cafe filled with odd-looking aliens.

There are complicated family dynamics, a mystery of parentage – it’s all very familiar Star Wars ground. Or, better put, Star Wars space.

That’s as it should be, as far as I’m concerned. The very best movies are the ones that seem familiar from the first frame.

Suspense and unexpected plot turns are nice, of course, but the joy of watching a movie isn’t in the unfolding of the story, it’s in the characters and experiencing the world they live in, which is why children can happily watch the same film over and over again.

And not just children: there are a few films that can stop me and any adult movie-lover dead in our tracks as we flip through the satellite television channels.

“My favourite part is coming up,” we tell ourselves as we settle in to watch a movie for the 10th or 100th time. It doesn’t matter that we know exactly what’s going to happen. In fact, knowing somehow makes it better.

Yes, a few unexpected things occur in the new Star Wars picture, but – spoiler alert! – those aren’t what makes it such a fun experience at the movies.

What makes it a successful film is how well it conforms to our expectations, which is why those Star Wars fanatics are missing the point when they run from the room and cover their ears, shouting “I haven’t seen it yet!”

Because of course they have. Many times before.

Although it’s a weird moment when Chewbacca suddenly picks up a lightsabre and becomes a Jedi. Didn’t see that coming.

Rob Long is a writer and producer based in Hollywood

On Twitter: @rcbl