Recently, I received a text message from my bank informing me that it was closing my local branch and transferring my account to its main office. This was being done, the SMS assured me in order “to serve you better”.
I did a double-take. Exactly how, I wondered, was it serving me better to close the branch situated a five-minute walk from my home, forcing me to use an office that was three times further away and on the other side of an extremely busy main road?
An answer, of sorts, came in a follow-up email that said the main office was larger, had more staff than the old branch and more parking spaces (which is irrelevant to me, since I don’t have a car). That may all be true, but it will also have to cope with a lot more customers who have had to travel further to get there.
Rewind 10 years and picture me running down the stairs to the platform at Central railway station in Brisbane, Australia. The timetable and station display said departure time was in three minutes, so I was confident of catching the train. Imagine my reaction when I saw it pulling away just as I set foot on the platform.
I mentioned the incident to a fellow journalist who sensed a story. He contacted the railway company and received an official response, saying that “for the efficient running of the network, it is sometimes necessary for trains to depart early”.
We were both left scratching our heads over that one – just as, I am sure, is everybody who has ever heard the ubiquitous recorded message that begins: “Your call is important to us ...”
Surely, we have all thought, if the call really was important, they’d have answered it by now.
All the above are examples of “weasel words” that are far too commonly used as an excuse not to provide a service that a customer expects.
The OED defines weasel words as “words or statements that are intentionally ambiguous or misleading”.
They are well beloved by public-relations experts and political “spin doctors” who also don’t want to tell an outright lie but don’t want to draw attention to an unpalatable truth.
In the case of the bank, there must be a reason for closing my local branch.
Perhaps the lease has expired, or an audit had shown it to be unprofitable. I can guarantee, however, that the senior managers weren’t sitting around saying: “You know how we could serve Brett better? We could close his local branch.”
In the case of the train, there must have been a specific reason for its early departure. The PR people either couldn’t be bothered finding out what it was, or they did find out and it didn’t put the railway service in a good light.
Better and easier, then, to issue some weasel words that technically address the question but shed no real light on the issue.
Lest I be written off as a cynic and pessimist who has an issue with customer service operatives, I’d like to point out that I’ve also had some excellent experiences.
For example, the staff at Etihad’s call centre have always answered promptly and politely, and have been helpful with their responses, even if they can’t always organise the upgrade I am seeking.
And when I recently flew back into Abu Dhabi airport after a holiday, I was initially annoyed when the immigration official waved forward a family from another queue despite it being my turn to be served.
When I got to the counter, he was immediately apologetic. “It is very late and they have small children who are tired,” he explained. “I thought it better to see them first.”
How could I argue? It was a perfectly reasonable decision for him to take. I wish some others whose business it is to serve customers were as empathetic, efficient and upfront about their motivations.
bdebritz@thenational.ae
On Twitter: @debritz
The specs: 2019 Jeep Wrangler
Price, base: Dh132,000
Engine: 3.6-litre V6
Gearbox: Eight-speed automatic
Power: 285hp @ 6,400rpm
Torque: 347Nm @ 4,100rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 9.6L to 10.3L / 100km
Company%20Profile
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Hoopla%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EDate%20started%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EMarch%202023%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounder%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Jacqueline%20Perrottet%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dubai%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20staff%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%2010%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%20stage%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EPre-seed%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%20required%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20%24500%2C000%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
RESULTS
1.45pm: Handicap (TB) Dh80,000 (Dirt) 1,400m
Winners: Hyde Park, Royston Ffrench (jockey), Salem bin Ghadayer (trainer)
2.15pm: Conditions (TB) Dh100,000 (D) 1,400m
Winner: Shamikh, Ryan Curatolo, Nicholas Bachalard
2.45pm: Conditions (TB) Dh100,000 (D) 1,200m
Winner: Hurry Up, Royston Ffrench, Salem bin Ghadayer.
3.15pm: Shadwell Jebel Ali Mile Group 3 (TB) Dh575,000 (D) 1,600m
Winner: Blown by Wind, Xavier Ziani, Salem bin Ghadayer
3.45pm: Handicap (TB) Dh72,000 (D) 1,600m
Winner: Mazagran, Tadhg O’Shea, Satish Seemar.
4.15pm: Handicap (TB) Dh64,000 (D) 1,950m
Winner: Obeyaan, Adrie de Vries, Mujeeb Rehman
4.45pm: Handicap (TB) Dh84,000 (D) 1,000m
Winner: Shanaghai City, Fabrice Veron, Rashed Bouresly.
BORDERLANDS
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis
Director: Eli Roth
Rating: 0/5
The%20stats%20and%20facts
%3Cp%3E1.9%20million%20women%20are%20at%20risk%20of%20developing%20cervical%20cancer%20in%20the%20UAE%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E80%25%20of%20people%2C%20females%20and%20males%2C%20will%20get%20human%20papillomavirus%20(HPV)%20once%20in%20their%20lifetime%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3EOut%20of%20more%20than%20100%20types%20of%20HPV%2C%2014%20strains%20are%20cancer-causing%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E99.9%25%20of%20cervical%20cancers%20are%20caused%20by%20the%20virus%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3EA%20five-year%20survival%20rate%20of%20close%20to%2096%25%20can%20be%20achieved%20with%20regular%20screenings%20for%20cervical%20cancer%20detection%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3EWomen%20aged%2025%20to%2029%20should%20get%20a%20Pap%20smear%20every%20three%20years%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3EWomen%20aged%2030%20to%2065%20should%20do%20a%20Pap%20smear%20and%20HPV%20test%20every%20five%20years%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3EChildren%20aged%2013%20and%20above%20should%20get%20the%20HPV%20vaccine%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Israel Palestine on Swedish TV 1958-1989
Director: Goran Hugo Olsson
Rating: 5/5
Profile box
Company name: baraka
Started: July 2020
Founders: Feras Jalbout and Kunal Taneja
Based: Dubai and Bahrain
Sector: FinTech
Initial investment: $150,000
Current staff: 12
Stage: Pre-seed capital raising of $1 million
Investors: Class 5 Global, FJ Labs, IMO Ventures, The Community Fund, VentureSouq, Fox Ventures, Dr Abdulla Elyas (private investment)
Leaderboard
15 under: Paul Casey (ENG)
-14: Robert MacIntyre (SCO)
-13 Brandon Stone (SA)
-10 Laurie Canter (ENG) , Sergio Garcia (ESP)
-9 Kalle Samooja (FIN)
-8 Thomas Detry (BEL), Justin Harding (SA), Justin Rose (ENG)
RESULTS
Bantamweight: Jalal Al Daaja (JOR) beat Hamza Bougamza (MAR)
Catchweight 67kg: Mohamed El Mesbahi (MAR) beat Fouad Mesdari (ALG)
Lightweight: Abdullah Mohammed Ali (UAE) beat Abdelhak Amhidra (MAR)
Catchweight 73kg: Mosatafa Ibrahim Radi (PAL) beat Yazid Chouchane (ALG)
Middleweight: Yousri Belgaroui (TUN) beat Badreddine Diani (MAR)
Catchweight 78KG: Rashed Dawood (UAE) beat Adnan Bushashy (ALG)
Middleweight: Sallah-Eddine Dekhissi (MAR) beat Abdel Enam (EGY)
Catchweight 65kg: Yanis Ghemmouri (ALG) beat Rachid Hazoume (MAR)
Lightweight: Mohammed Yahya (UAE) beat Azouz Anwar (EGY)
Catchweight 79kg: Souhil Tahiri (ALG) beat Omar Hussein (PAL)
Middleweight: Tarek Suleiman (SYR) beat Laid Zerhouni (ALG)
Where can I submit a sample?
Volunteers can now submit DNA samples at a number of centres across Abu Dhabi. The programme is open to all ages.
Collection centres in Abu Dhabi include:
- Abu Dhabi National Exhibition Centre (ADNEC)
- Biogenix Labs in Masdar City
- Al Towayya in Al Ain
- NMC Royal Hospital in Khalifa City
- Bareen International Hospital
- NMC Specialty Hospital, Al Ain
- NMC Royal Medical Centre - Abu Dhabi
- NMC Royal Women’s Hospital.
COMPANY%20PROFILE
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EName%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESmartCrowd%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E2018%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounder%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESiddiq%20Farid%20and%20Musfique%20Ahmed%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EDubai%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ESector%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EFinTech%20%2F%20PropTech%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInitial%20investment%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E%24650%2C000%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ECurrent%20number%20of%20staff%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%2035%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%20stage%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESeries%20A%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestors%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EVarious%20institutional%20investors%20and%20notable%20angel%20investors%20(500%20MENA%2C%20Shurooq%2C%20Mada%2C%20Seedstar%2C%20Tricap)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
The finalists
Player of the Century, 2001-2020: Cristiano Ronaldo (Juventus), Lionel Messi (Barcelona), Mohamed Salah (Liverpool), Ronaldinho
Coach of the Century, 2001-2020: Pep Guardiola (Manchester City), Jose Mourinho (Tottenham Hotspur), Zinedine Zidane (Real Madrid), Sir Alex Ferguson
Club of the Century, 2001-2020: Al Ahly (Egypt), Bayern Munich (Germany), Barcelona (Spain), Real Madrid (Spain)
Player of the Year: Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, Robert Lewandowski (Bayern Munich)
Club of the Year: Bayern Munich, Liverpool, Real Madrid
Coach of the Year: Gian Piero Gasperini (Atalanta), Hans-Dieter Flick (Bayern Munich), Jurgen Klopp (Liverpool)
Agent of the Century, 2001-2020: Giovanni Branchini, Jorge Mendes, Mino Raiola
How to protect yourself when air quality drops
Install an air filter in your home.
Close your windows and turn on the AC.
Shower or bath after being outside.
Wear a face mask.
Stay indoors when conditions are particularly poor.
If driving, turn your engine off when stationary.
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EAlmouneer%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202017%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dr%20Noha%20Khater%20and%20Rania%20Kadry%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EEgypt%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20staff%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E120%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EBootstrapped%2C%20with%20support%20from%20Insead%20and%20Egyptian%20government%2C%20seed%20round%20of%20%3Cbr%3E%243.6%20million%20led%20by%20Global%20Ventures%3Cbr%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
The specs
Engine: 6.2-litre V8
Transmission: seven-speed auto
Power: 420 bhp
Torque: 624Nm
Price: from Dh293,200
On sale: now
Company%20profile
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Shooting Ghosts: A U.S. Marine, a Combat Photographer, and Their Journey Back from War by Thomas J. Brennan and Finbarr O’Reilly
Pots for the Asian Qualifiers
Pot 1: Iran, Japan, South Korea, Australia, Qatar, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, China
Pot 2: Iraq, Uzbekistan, Syria, Oman, Lebanon, Kyrgyz Republic, Vietnam, Jordan
Pot 3: Palestine, India, Bahrain, Thailand, Tajikistan, North Korea, Chinese Taipei, Philippines
Pot 4: Turkmenistan, Myanmar, Hong Kong, Yemen, Afghanistan, Maldives, Kuwait, Malaysia
Pot 5: Indonesia, Singapore, Nepal, Cambodia, Bangladesh, Mongolia, Guam, Macau/Sri Lanka
MATCH INFO
Uefa Champions League semi-final, first leg
Bayern Munich v Real Madrid
When: April 25, 10.45pm kick-off (UAE)
Where: Allianz Arena, Munich
Live: BeIN Sports HD
Second leg: May 1, Santiago Bernabeu, Madrid
Company%20Profile
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The specs
Engine: 1.5-litre 4-cylinder petrol
Power: 154bhp
Torque: 250Nm
Transmission: 7-speed automatic with 8-speed sports option
Price: From Dh79,600
On sale: Now
Company%20Profile
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EName%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20HyveGeo%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202023%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Abdulaziz%20bin%20Redha%2C%20Dr%20Samsurin%20Welch%2C%20Eva%20Morales%20and%20Dr%20Harjit%20Singh%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ECambridge%20and%20Dubai%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20employees%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%208%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EIndustry%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESustainability%20%26amp%3B%20Environment%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFunding%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E%24200%2C000%20plus%20undisclosed%20grant%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestors%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EVenture%20capital%20and%20government%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
UAE SQUAD
Khalid Essa, Ali Khaseif, Fahad Al Dhanhani, Adel Al Hosani, Bandar Al Ahbabi, Mohammad Barghash, Salem Rashid, Khalifa Al Hammadi, Shaheen Abdulrahman, Hassan Al Mahrami, Walid Abbas, Mahmoud Khamis, Yousef Jaber, Majed Sorour, Majed Hassan, Ali Salmeen, Abdullah Ramadan, Abdullah Al Naqbi, Khalil Al Hammadi, Fabio De Lima, Khalfan Mubarak, Tahnoon Al Zaabi, Ali Saleh, Caio Canedo, Ali Mabkhout, Sebastian Tagliabue, Zayed Al Ameri