When does a joke go too far?

Jokes involving violence against women are no laughing matter, writes Shelina Zahra Janmohammed.

British prime minister David Cameron's admonition to a female MP to "Calm down, dear" is emblematic of talking down to women, our writer says. Stefan Rousseau / AFP

What should you do if your dishwasher breaks down?” The answer: “slap her.” This is a popular joke.

Hilarious, right? Wrong. Anything that legitimises violence against women is not funny, and it’s not acceptable – jokes are no exception.

Jokes about women’s limited place, rights and mental ability have become common. But they have a pernicious effect, allowing ideas of violence, stereotyping and disrespect to fester. That’s why protesting against them is so important. But when they are challenged, the protesters – usually women – are laughed at, or are told that they have no sense of humour. They are told to focus on bigger things. But such jokes are big things, it is a big deal to joke about hitting a woman because she hasn’t done the dishes.

It matters that such stereotypes – that normalise and therefore give implicit acceptance to belittling and violating women – are given a free pass.

Some of the worst examples of such jokes come from figures of authority who belittle domestic violence and rape, and then when challenged by women say that women “didn’t get it” or “it was just a joke”.

During a phone-in show on a UK television channel this month, one caller asked a cleric what he should do if his wife didn’t listen to him. The cleric told him that he should threaten her with divorce or with getting a second wife. He said he should man up and shout louder than her. He also advised him that if he wasn’t in a country where there are laws against domestic violence, then he should slap her a few times. Later he released a video to “apologise” for his remarks, saying he was just joking.

Another British Muslim teacher wrote on his Facebook page lambasting International Women’s Day as “kufr” (disbelief that takes one outside the fold of Islam): “Rape women, beat them black and blue ... Lads I give you the fatwa to do it, dammit.” He explained in a tweet that “Int’l women’s day is great, but starting tomorrow it’s 364 International Men’s Day again, so stick that in your oven and cook it”.

His “fatwa” was followed by the comment that it was just a joke. But we can never, ever joke about rape or physical assault. These are serious issues facing women, and to even consider making sarcastic remarks about women belittles them, causes them pain and can trigger trauma in survivors.

As though the jokes aren’t bad enough, there are apologies. The TV scholar responding to the phone caller said: “I was trying to cheer him up.” The teacher who issued the sarcastic fatwa about rape apologised to the feminists who were offended by his comments saying: “I hope that your offence burns in your heart and causes you to wither and wiggle in rage.” Advocating violence and then showing that you are not advocating violence proves that such humour is just a thin veneer for hatred against women.

Subtle ways of mocking women and then blaming them for not having a sense of humour are common. British prime minister David Cameron told a female MP: “Calm down dear.” What he meant was that women are over-emotional, and therefore should not be taken seriously. Yet again, the justification was that this was just “a humorous remark”. But when it comes to jokes that belittle women, or advocate violence against them, I will absolutely not calm down.

Shelina Zahra Janmohamed is the author of Love in a Headscarf and blogs at www. spirit21.co.uk