In the marriage debate, we must stop looking back to the past

The FNC is debating the merits of whether Emirati culture is affected by marrying non-UAE nationals. Photo: Marwan Naamani / AFP

In 1982, my father, a young Emirati, married my mother, a young woman from Falkirk in Scotland, where he was completing his studies. They moved to Abu Dhabi a year later, my father to work as an accountant, my mother as a nurse. It was here they raised a family of three boys.

My mother sometimes talks of the difficulties she encountered here in the 1980s. She would tell us stories of how she would always wait for my father to arrive home at night. She feared that if anything happened to him she would have nothing.

My father would talk about how society viewed mixed marriages back then. People still look twice today when they see a man dressed in local clothes walking hand in hand with a western woman, so you can only imagine the stares they would get back then. Additionally, he would tell us how difficult it was explaining his decision to his family.

But none of that mattered to my mother and father. They loved each other and wanted to be together. You would think that would be enough, right? However, a lot more comes into play than the feelings two people have for each other. Here are some of the issues that I feel contribute to the marriage problems we face in the UAE.

First and foremost, the problems start within our very own households. Whether it’s the discussions on dowry payments or a financial gift from our Marriage Fund towards the cost of wedding arrangements, marriage now seems more like a transaction rather than the union of two people in love. As a society we must focus on the emotional dynamics rather than just the financial requirements.

Secondly, FNC member Ahmed Al Amash has said that “families used to be stronger”. But I think that it is unhelpful to continue to compare ourselves with the past.

Relationships weren’t necessarily better historically, they were different, just like our country was different. Today, women in the workforce are the norm, not the exception.

With more working requirements from both sides of the marriage, families will get smaller, but that doesn’t make them any less special. We just need to understand that is how things have evolved, and to stop comparing a typical marriage today with one from yesterday.

Another important factor that I think contributes to the debate is the lack of interaction between genders during their formative years. I attended an American school where groups of friends included boys and girls, but hardly any of those girls were local.

We learnt how to interact with one another, work on projects and understand how to treat each other with respect. Maybe we should consider chaperoned environments for boys and girls. This would allow them to have a better understanding of each other, take a more mature approach to marriage and get a better picture of what a happy relationship should look like.

On a final note, I think it is important to address mixed marriages. I know I might sound biased – I am a product of a mixed marriage, after all – but being raised by two different cultures can give children a broader understanding of the world. Children are able to better explore and integrate into cultures beyond their own.

I like to feel that those characteristics add value to our country and widen our perspectives.

So where do we go from here? Well, we are dealing with elements of human emotion, which you simply can’t wrap policies around. Something tells me that our society will go in the direction of travel it wants.

Khalid Al Ameri is an Emirati social commentator

On Twitter: @KhalidAlAmeri