Even matchmakers have a hard time finding us love

Rym Ghazal explains why one must not lose heart nor worry too much about love and relationship, and enjoy each day as it comes

Research on relationships across cultures regularly finds that women are more likely to settle, especially when they reach a certain age, while men won’t. Galen Clarke / The National

'Marriage is like a fort. Those who are in want out, those who are out want in," says an Arabic proverb.

This week I was inspired to talk to three matchmakers I know – Umm Hassan, Umm Mohammed and Umm Ahmed – after my colleague's piece on how Arab expats are having a hard time finding suitable partners struck a chord with readers. Many readers wrote in to say this problem exists in other cultures.

Over and over again, at some social gathering or other, you are bound to hear someone ask a group if they know of “anyone” looking to settle down.

“Just be out there” is the advice relationship experts generally offer, but that could be difficult for the more shy singletons. Social media, relationship apps and online dating services are not for everyone, especially if they worry about families and friends finding out. If someone didn’t meet the “one” via work or university it tends to be harder to meet other singletons without some kind of introduction.

“It is not even about meeting other singletons, it is about meeting those who want the same things you want,” Umm Hassan told me. “So many times, I sit and listen to what this man wants and that woman wants. And then we try to match them up, but it turns out they didn’t want what they listed. People say a lot of things, but that is not necessarily what they go for in the end.”

She gave examples of a few Arab men, who would say, “oh I want a religious conservative wife” who has to be a particular nationality. But these men often end up marrying a foreigner who doesn’t speak much English and no Arabic and didn’t match anything on that so-called list of wants.

In the past decade, matchmakers have noticed greater difficulty for the more independent women in finding partners. If she reaches 30, they all agreed that usually signals her expiry date.

“It sounds horrible. But I tell you, I would sit there with very worldly men who are divorced, widowed, whatever, and in their 40s, and they refuse to even consider a woman in her 30s ... They would prefer someone younger,” says Umm Mohammed.

But even they, with years of matchmaking experience, are having a hard time making successful matches these days. They noted that, in the past, people would accept the perceived flaws in others. Now the minute there is something they don’t like, they want to change and give up on the other person.

Research on relationships across cultures regularly finds that women are more likely to settle, especially when they reach a certain age, while men won’t.

“It is painful to see. I know what this girl or boy is like. Full of love, kindness and character. Yet the other person can’t see what they are worth, and is always busy thinking what if someone better comes along,” says Umm Ahmed. “I tell them, please look with your heart. Not always with your eyes and brains. But men do this more than women, they often ignore the heart and analyse and reanalyse using their brains that they drop the woman without a second thought.”

Besides age and physical attributes, factors like where someone lives is also important to those asking, as it reflects social status and wealth. Then there are factors like family name, reputation, where they work and their past relationships.

“Love is real. It just needs a bit of help from those around you. Friends should help their single friends since extended families’ roles have broken down. But most get too busy with their own lives, don’t want to get involved, and that’s why they are calling us for help,” says Umm Hassan. “And unfortunately, sometimes we can’t either.”

In the world of love and relationships, anything can happen. One must not lose heart nor worry too much, and just enjoy each day as it comes.

On Twitter:@Arabianmau