Don't cancel friends just because influencers raise red flags

There might be a flip side to connecting with friends excessively on digital platforms

An employee at the TikTok UK offices, in London, on February 9. AFP

On the social media platform TikTok, an "influencer" recently shared her red flags for friendship. It's common nowadays to see such trends online, where anything could conceivably be a red flag, and the most ready solution appears to be to “cancel" the cause.

This particular US-based influencer said that not receiving a reply to text messages within a certain number of hours is her ultimate red flag and would warrant blocking the friend.

This was baffling to me and many others. The possibility that some of her tens of thousands of followers might agree with her views is a problem. After all, who one stays friends with and what conditions one should accept are personal choices.

But some young people may be prone to agreeing with influencers and the advice they dispense on a range of subjects, not limited to red flags in friendship. These sort of trends have a way of seeping into our lives and affecting the standards we accept of others, especially relevant in this digitised age.

Social media and texting platforms are preferred modes of communication for Gen-Z (those born between 1997-2012, the generation to which I belong). For some of us, it is quite regular to have different discussions with the same person on different platforms. Whether it is to emotionally unload and ask for help, or to spam each other’s TikTok direct messaging (DMs), or to share career opportunities and educational content – different social media platforms can serve different purposes.

A study by Dartmouth College in the US found that millennials and Gen-Z young adults text at a rate of over 100 messages a day. Social media is such a presence in our lives that the business models of several regional and global startups is to provide online counselling services, such as the UAE-based Takalam, Better Help and Bloom.

Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me and Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University, says that unlike their predecessors, Gen-Z spent the majority of their adolescence on social media, resulting in heightened feelings of social isolation and loneliness. While this may not come as a surprise, it could give rise to mental health issues, particularly anxiety. Her research also found that frequent users of social media and technology reported lower psychological well-being than less frequent users.

For many in my generation, however, texting friends isn’t just to share memes. It is also to talk freely, vent and ask for advice on personal matters – sometimes similar to the dynamic between a patient and a therapist. The fact that 95 per cent of mental health patients, according to a US-based research, initiated text-based contact with their therapists, indicates that text messaging is integral to how millennials and Gen-Z try to alleviate their mental health troubles.

This all sounds like good news, but here’s the catch: more than one study has found that it is psychologically damaging to be overly reliant on your smartphone to stay connected to loved ones.

It’s made easy for us through social media and network coverage to be in contact with our friends, to plan an outing, share a meme, or ask for support when feeling low or anxious. The problem isn’t with the ease of communication, but the frequency of it, which in turn breeds a dependence on constant contact with friends and acquaintances. How will we face things alone when we need to? Can we run an errand or get a coffee by ourselves?

I have grown accustomed to texting or calling friends whenever I am feel low or anxious. Sometimes, it's not consultation that I seek, but the feeling of being heard and validated. While I may cheer up by talking to them in that moment, I am setting myself up for disappointment whenever the other person is too busy or doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with my emotional unburdening.

Constantly texting to reach out may diminish my critical thinking skills, my ability to see the situation for what it is. Perhaps, it is not a big deal, but research finds that this happens to not just me; a US-based study surveyed 496 Gen-Z undergrad students and found that increased smartphone usage is related to anxiety.

Other researchers also complement these findings, suggesting that feelings of anxiety can negatively affect our understanding of the friendship dynamic. Questions arise, such as ”Why are they not texting me back? Why are they not updating me about their day?” The constant connection to one another may cause us to live less of our lives, and more of theirs. And when we do live more of our lives, is it truly for us or simply to exhibit it on social media?

It could be the need for instant gratification that we have gotten accustomed to when we receive messages or notifications. I had to turn on my “do not disturb” feature, and disable all notifications, as I was checking my phone much more frequently than I would like to admit.

These discussions also beg the question – what values shape our friendships? Friendships are not and should not be transactional. They grow and are nurtured with vulnerability, trust and caring for one another, caring for friends' aspirations and well-being. Friendships are not defined by the back and forth of texts or Snapchat streaks. We must try to be mindful of the expectations we have of ourselves and others. More importantly, we must not let misinformed content creators, jumping on a trend bandwagon, confuse us about red flags. Sometimes, the red flags are within ourselves, but there’s nothing that accountability and introspection can’t change.