Baby Buddha is coming out of a lotus flower.
Gilded, the statue is a bright contrast to the black lotus on which it stands, the mechanical petals slowly unfolding as an operatic track swells from hidden speakers.
Fountains shoot up, pummelling the Buddha with streams of finely choreographed adulation.
And then, in a feat of automated mastery that rivals the Dubai Fountain, he begins to turn, his little golden index finger pointing the way up towards enlightenment.
"Patty!" I shout to my friend, demanding an explanation to the Nine Dragons Bath the Baby Buddha exhibit at what had been described as a "modest Buddhist temple" by our tour guide.
I should have learnt by now that nothing in China is modest. A country that hosted the most expensive Olympics to date doesn't shilly-shally when it comes to putting on a show.
But - and this was a vain hope, I know - I had thought that once past the furious neon of Shanghai and the towering apartment cities of its outskirts, past a Suzhou rife with KFCs and Papa Johnses (called "Great John's" here) and the yawning development zones of Hangzhou, historic Wuxi might offer a landscape that hearkened back to the days of old.
But Wuxi's Lingshan Buddhist Centre, home to the bathing baby Buddha, a neon-lit convention dome, and a statue of the world's tallest standing Buddha, quickly dashed that hope.
To be fair, much of historic northern China remains well preserved amid the fervour of development. The dynastic architecture that predates modern skyrises preens along pedestrian streets and stands stalwart between high-rise apartment buildings.
Sharply curved pagodas and masterfully designed gardens abound in the older neighbourhoods of cities such as Wuxi, which have had no choice but to snake around the past as they grow. (In 1950, the estimated population of the historic city was 57,000; today, it numbers over six million.)
But a growing appetite for attracting tourist yuan has led to the growth of some utterly extraordinary sites. Ling Shan is one of them.
Board an electric tram at the entrance, drive past the Mind Cleansing Pond and stop to the right of the Number One Palm in the World. There lies the Sangharam Bo Da La of Lingshan - a monument to Buddhism that looks like French palace meets Cavalli Club.
Baroque embellishments flank heavenly deities in a large dome whose neon lights change colour every seven seconds. At the apex, artificial stars twinkle. I half expect karaoke music - perhaps a pan-flute version of Take My Breath Away - because the multicoloured jade and the murals and the overhead light show have robbed me of speech.
"You know how people tour Versailles today?" Patty says, gazing at the dome. "I wonder if in 100 years people will look back on this and be like: 'Wow. That was classy'."
I'm not sure if "classy" is the word designers had in mind. Not one, not two, but three bombastic attractions are showcased here, the last being the most well-known: China's tallest standing Buddha.
Amitabha Buddha towers at 88 metres. He's made of bronze - a curious choice considering oxidation - and was completed around 13 years ago. That makes him the youngest biggest Buddha in China - bonus points in the Chinese tendency of placing all things in some sort of hierarchy.
"This Buddha is the number one tallest Buddha in China of the number five biggest Buddhas in all of China," affirms Jeffrey, our beleaguered tour guide. He has spent the majority of the day translating the Mandarin screamed out of a microphone by another tour guide into English for me and the two other westerners on this government-sponsored tour, and in the interest of time, he's begun explaining everything in Top 10. "Leshan Buddha in west - oldest Buddha in all of China. Guan Yin - biggest female Buddha in all of China. Tian Tan in Hong Kong - biggest Buddha in eastern China. And Tai Hu Lake" - which this Buddha overlooks - "third largest freshwater lake in all of China."
I raise my eyebrows, trying to look reasonably impressed. What I really want to ask is if this dome has the most neon lights in all the Buddhist domes of China, and if the baby Buddha is washed by the fastest-spraying hoses in all of China. But I refrain.
After all, we are visiting the number one tea plantation in all of China in a few short hours, and I need Jeffrey to pace himself.
Catch up on Effie-Michelle Metallidis' adventure at Around Asia.
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MEDIEVIL%20(1998)
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The specs
Engine: 2.7-litre 4-cylinder Turbomax
Power: 310hp
Torque: 583Nm
Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Price: From Dh192,500
On sale: Now
Results
7pm: Wathba Stallions Cup – Handicap (PA) Dh70,000 (Dirt) 1,600m; Winner: RB Kings Bay, Abdul Aziz Al Balushi (jockey), Helal Al Alawi (trainer)
7.30pm: Maiden (PA) Dh 70,000 (D) 1,600m; Winner: AF Ensito, Fernando Jara, Mohamed Daggash
8pm: Maiden (PA) Dh70,000 (D) 1,400m; Winner: AF Sourouh, Tadhg O’Shea, Ernst Oertel
8.30pm: Maiden (PA) Dh70,000 (D) 1,800m; Winner: Baaher, Fabrice Veron, Eric Lemartinel
9pm: Maiden (PA) Dh70,000 (D) 2,000m; Winner: Mootahady, Antonio Fresu, Eric Lemartinel
9.30pm: Handicap (TB) Dh70,000 (D) 2,000m; Winner: Dubai Canal, Tadhg O’Shea, Satish Seemar
10pm: Al Ain Cup – Prestige (PA) Dh100,000 (D) 2,000m; Winner: Harrab, Bernardo Pinheiro, Majed Al Jahouri
The specs
Engine: 1.5-litre 4-cylinder petrol
Power: 154bhp
Torque: 250Nm
Transmission: 7-speed automatic with 8-speed sports option
Price: From Dh79,600
On sale: Now
Naga
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EDirector%3A%C2%A0%3C%2Fstrong%3EMeshal%20Al%20Jaser%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarring%3A%C2%A0%3C%2Fstrong%3EAdwa%20Bader%2C%20Yazeed%20Almajyul%2C%20Khalid%20Bin%20Shaddad%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ERating%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E4%2F5%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Company Profile
Name: Thndr
Started: 2019
Co-founders: Ahmad Hammouda and Seif Amr
Sector: FinTech
Headquarters: Egypt
UAE base: Hub71, Abu Dhabi
Current number of staff: More than 150
Funds raised: $22 million
COMPANY%20PROFILE
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The five pillars of Islam
Email sent to Uber team from chief executive Dara Khosrowshahi
From: Dara
To: Team@
Date: March 25, 2019 at 11:45pm PT
Subj: Accelerating in the Middle East
Five years ago, Uber launched in the Middle East. It was the start of an incredible journey, with millions of riders and drivers finding new ways to move and work in a dynamic region that’s become so important to Uber. Now Pakistan is one of our fastest-growing markets in the world, women are driving with Uber across Saudi Arabia, and we chose Cairo to launch our first Uber Bus product late last year.
Today we are taking the next step in this journey—well, it’s more like a leap, and a big one: in a few minutes, we’ll announce that we’ve agreed to acquire Careem. Importantly, we intend to operate Careem independently, under the leadership of co-founder and current CEO Mudassir Sheikha. I’ve gotten to know both co-founders, Mudassir and Magnus Olsson, and what they have built is truly extraordinary. They are first-class entrepreneurs who share our platform vision and, like us, have launched a wide range of products—from digital payments to food delivery—to serve consumers.
I expect many of you will ask how we arrived at this structure, meaning allowing Careem to maintain an independent brand and operate separately. After careful consideration, we decided that this framework has the advantage of letting us build new products and try new ideas across not one, but two, strong brands, with strong operators within each. Over time, by integrating parts of our networks, we can operate more efficiently, achieve even lower wait times, expand new products like high-capacity vehicles and payments, and quicken the already remarkable pace of innovation in the region.
This acquisition is subject to regulatory approval in various countries, which we don’t expect before Q1 2020. Until then, nothing changes. And since both companies will continue to largely operate separately after the acquisition, very little will change in either teams’ day-to-day operations post-close. Today’s news is a testament to the incredible business our team has worked so hard to build.
It’s a great day for the Middle East, for the region’s thriving tech sector, for Careem, and for Uber.
Uber on,
Dara
Blackpink World Tour [Born Pink] In Cinemas
Starring: Rose, Jisoo, Jennie, Lisa
Directors: Min Geun, Oh Yoon-Dong
Rating: 3/5
Specs%20
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NINE WINLESS GAMES
Arsenal 2-2 Crystal Palace (Oct 27, PL)
Liverpool 5-5 Arsenal (Oct 30, EFL)
Arsenal 1-1 Wolves (Nov 02, PL)
Vitoria Guimaraes 1-1 Arsenal (Nov 6, Europa)
Leicester 2-0 Arsenal (Nov 9, PL)
Arsenal 2-2 Southampton (Nov 23, PL)
Arsenal 1-2 Eintracht Frankfurt (Nov 28, Europa)
Norwich 2-2 Arsenal (Dec 01, PL)
Arsenal 1-2 Brighton (Dec 05, PL)
The%20specs
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The%20specs
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TRAP
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Saleka Shyamalan, Ariel Donaghue
Director: M Night Shyamalan
Rating: 3/5
England's all-time record goalscorers:
Wayne Rooney 53
Bobby Charlton 49
Gary Lineker 48
Jimmy Greaves 44
Michael Owen 40
Tom Finney 30
Nat Lofthouse 30
Alan Shearer 30
Viv Woodward 29
Frank Lampard 29
The specs
Engine: 2-litre or 3-litre 4Motion all-wheel-drive Power: 250Nm (2-litre); 340 (3-litre) Torque: 450Nm Transmission: 8-speed automatic Starting price: From Dh212,000 On sale: Now
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
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COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Lamsa
Founder: Badr Ward
Launched: 2014
Employees: 60
Based: Abu Dhabi
Sector: EdTech
Funding to date: $15 million
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Read more from Aya Iskandarani
The specs: 2019 BMW i8 Roadster
Price, base: Dh708,750
Engine: 1.5L three-cylinder petrol, plus 11.6 kWh lithium-ion battery
Transmission: Six-speed automatic
Power: 374hp (total)
Torque: 570Nm (total)
Fuel economy, combined: 2.0L / 100km