Pillars of strength: How partners cope with the challenges of breast cancer

The battle against cancer is one that cannot be fought alone. The National talks to the partners of two women with the disease about the ways in which their lives have changed, and how they provide support and cope with the challenges.

Gerard Jeyalingam encouraged his wife Vanessa to get the lump in her breast checked and treated. Vidhyaa for The National

When Christina Gitsaki was told she had breast cancer this year, she wasn’t just relying on her husband to be her emotional support but also the go-to person for all the household chores and the needs of their twin daughters.

Richard Taylor has had almost as challenging a time as his wife, who went through numerous ­surgeries and complications that left her weak and ­depressed.

“Christina was going through such an ­emotional upheaval during her surgery that I had to push down all my feelings because I had to stay solid for the family,” says Taylor, who is an English ­lecturer at a federal college in Sharjah.

Immediately after the couple found out Gitsaki had ­cancer, the 46-year-old was admitted for a double ­mastectomy at Emirates Hospital in Dubai. The surgery did not go according to plan, which meant she was on the operating table for six hours. Matters became more complicated when she developed deep vein thrombosis and had to be treated for it, followed by more treatment for an infection.

The Dubai-based research coordinator at Zayed University is now undergoing chemo­therapy. Taylor says each cycle leaves his wife frail, which is hard for the whole family.

“Because of all the complications, she began to question why this was happening to her,” says the 52-year-old Australian. “So I had to change my strategy from acknowledging her feelings that were feeding into the depression, to adopting a bit more tough love so that we could focus on the future instead.”

Abu Dhabi Central Cancer Registry statistics show that breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer among women in the capital, and according to the Health Authority Abu Dhabi it is the third most common cancer ­affecting both genders.

Anyone who has had cancer knows that a support network is an important part of fighting the disease. Along with finding solace in support groups, many breast-cancer sufferers turn to their partners to help them fight the biggest battle of their lives.

Melanie Schlatter, a health psychologist and board member of the UAE-based cancer support group Brest Friends, says health challenges such as these are overwhelming for both the patient and their partner.

“The spouse is just as scared as the patient and is feeling the same emotions and anxiety,” she adds. “And as the husband has to assume a lot of responsibility as daily routine changes, some marriages get stronger and some weaker.” Schlatter says the key is to communicate. “It is important for the partner to listen to [his wife’s] needs, but also give them their space. At the same time, the patient must say what she really wants instead of saying she is fine and bottling it all up.”

A study on partner support and anxiety in ­women with breast cancer, which was ­published in the United States National Centre for ­Biotechnology Information last year, ­suggests that partner support might play a key role in a woman’s recovery from diseases such as breast ­cancer. The supportive efforts of a partner, it notes, have the potential to protect against ­stressful situations and financial worries.

Gitsaki says it’s natural for cancer suffers to lose perspective and start thinking the worst, which is where her husband stepped in.

“Richard had to remind me not to allow it to consume my thoughts and tackle things as they came. This has kept me sane,” she says. “He has always put his career on hold for me and tells me all I need to worry about is getting better. Even through the complications, he had to cook for me, he had to escort me to the bathroom. ”

Taylor says his wife is most vulnerable after a chemo session.

“She can’t even get to the ­kitchen to feed herself,” he says. “The other day I got a phone call at work to ask me when I’m coming home – I feel bad that I can’t be with her. There was this one day we heard her in the shower crying her eyes out – it gets painful to see her that way.”

Gerard Jeyalingam knows how Taylor feels. He had to persuade his wife ­Vanessa to get a mammogram when she turned 40.

“We were moving back to the UAE after a stint in the Seychelles this summer – that was when she found a lump in her breast,” the 42-year-old Etihad Airways pilot says. “She kept delaying the visit to the doctor because she was worried. I had to convince her that it was for the best.”

The tests initially suggested the lump was a cyst, but further investigations concluded it was cancer.

“When the news sunk in, she broke down and all I could do at that moment was hold her hand and reassure her that it would be alright.”

A double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery were conducted in their native country of Malaysia, and she is now on medication. “I told her to look at it as a blessing because it has brought us closer and strengthened our ­family unit,” the father of two says. “I also ­prepared the children for all the side effects and have kept them in the loop from the start. ­Whenever she is down, we play games or watch a movie to cheer her up.”

According to a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Oncology in 2005, about 42 per cent of American couples surveyed after their spouse found out she had breast cancer reported that it had brought them closer.

Vanessa says her husband has been a great ­support, helping to point her in the right ­direction, something she desperately needed. “I’ve never had the rollercoaster of a ride with my emotions because Gerard has been so ­understanding and strong,” she says.

“The past few days I’ve had cramps in my abdomen ­because of the medication. He not only looks after everything while I’m inactive but has also ­encouraged me to go for spinning classes and take up a cake-decorating course because that is therapeutic.”

Jeyalingam says his wife often looks to him for a boost in self-confidence.

“She asks me if I still love her and find her desirable. And I keep ­assuring her that I fell in love with the person, not the physical ­being.

“We are much closer than before now.”

The facts

• The breast-cancer death rate in Abu Dhabi has fallen from 8.7 in 100,000 women in 2009 to five in 100,000 in 2014, according to Health Authority Abu Dhabi figures. In addition, late detection of the disease has dropped from 64 per cent of cases in 2009 to 16 per cent in 2013. Among Emiratis, breast cancer was the most common type of cancer diagnosed in women in 2013, at 22 per cent.

• According to the World Health Organisation, breast cancer is the most common cancer in women worldwide, and its incidence is ­increasing, particularly in developing countries where the majority of cases are diagnosed in the late stages.

• Global health estimates by the World Health Organisation reveal that more than 508,000 women died as a result of breast cancer in 2011.

• Research published by the Annals of Internal Medicine this year suggested that a high-fat Mediterranean diet might reduce the risk of breast cancer, diabetes and heart disease. The researchers reviewed 28 studies carried out between 1990 and 2016, and concluded that a diet with no restrictions on how much fat a ­person could eat, but which included plenty of fruit, vegetables, legumes and whole grains, was beneficial. This has to be coupled with reducing intake of processed food and trans fats, along with regular exercise.

• Another study, presented at the American association for Cancer Research this year, ­suggests that eating less fat and more fruits and vegetables reduces the risk of cancer being diagnosed in postmenopausal women.

• A recent study found that women who take up moderate-to-vigorous exercise after breast-cancer treatment are less likely to suffer from memory problems. Women in the study, published in the Psycho-Oncology journal, took up exercises, and reported increased self-confidence and less stress, anxiety and fatigue, effects that are linked to better memory function. ​