How Denzel Washington taught me the difference between friends and acquaintances

The line between the two can become blurred in our fast-paced lives and demanding work culture - step forward a Hollywood hero for help

Denzel Washington at the premiere of Gladiator II in London. EPA

An enduring motto I apply to most aspects of my professional and personal life is: "Fake it until you make it."

Whether battling the occasional bouts of imposter syndrome in my professional field or attending a social gathering, I initially fight the urge to be anywhere else until I get in the groove and eventually enjoy myself.

It wasn’t the same mental dance last week, however.

After what felt like months of co-ordinating, my two friends and I finally met for lunch, and for the first time in a long while, I returned home from all that socialising feeling elated and inspired rather than simply exhausted. More than just resolving to make a greater effort to hang out with these mates more often, the experience also made me reflect on the meaning of friendship.

Like many things in life, a sage comment from the great Oscar-winning actor Denzel Washington shed light on the matter. During one of his red carpet appearances to promote the blockbuster sequel Gladiator 2 alongside fellow cast member Pedro Pascal, Washington provided a simple yet prescient definition of what it means to be a friend.

As part of a joint interview, Pascal made the well-meaning and off-the-cuff comment that they were friends. In response, the uncompromising Washington lightly corrected him, stating they were, in fact, not that close. Perhaps to mitigate Pascal’s stunned reaction, Washington invited him to his home in Los Angeles for tea to build that connection.

Bravo, Denzel. He nailed some of the unexplained disquiet I have been feeling about my social connections over the years – that they are mostly great acquaintances rather than great friends. It is a subtle difference that can be increasingly blurry in this age of social media and a demanding work culture.

In recent years, I have found myself attending many industry events and get-togethers rather than seeing actual friends, convincing myself that it is a better use of my limited time.

My personal and work life increasingly felt more hollow as a result. The lack of connection with those near and dear has robbed me of a chance to receive honest observations and advice about myself and build the kind of deeper bonds that make living abroad so enriching.

Meanwhile, prioritising my work life and “talking shop” with acquaintances and colleagues has actually made my professional life more gruelling. Any tips and advice gained from these exchanges are mostly nullified by the seemingly never-ending thoughts of the job that rarely cease outside the office.

This explains the social rut I have fallen into of late, which stems from valuing – through my time and efforts – acquaintances over friends. Following Washington’s advice, I am now making a conscious effort to find ways to differentiate between the two.

Some of these criteria include asking myself: are we comfortable confiding in each other? Do we need a specific context to meet? More importantly: are we adept at vigorously discussing the seemingly small and mundane things as well as the important and vulnerable topics?

Now, this doesn’t imply I can never be friends with my awesome colleagues – it just means our gatherings should be a well-deserved break from the office grind to give our connection real meaning.

For those not providing that levity, that’s totally OK and I look forward to seeing you in the office. For those that do, let’s have tea at my place.