Being an older mum at 40 is exhausting - but empowering

Do I wish I had more energy to deal with the alarming number of children's birthday parties and WhatsApp parent groups? Definitely, but...

A tremendous amount of stamina is required to function on but a few hours of sleep after having a child. Panna Munyal / The National

My husband often jokes it took him 10 years to convince me to have a child. The reality is closer to seven years – and counting two unfortunate miscarriages – but the fact remains I was 35 when we conceived, making mine an unfortunately termed “geriatric pregnancy”.

Would I have opted to have a child earlier had I known for sure I was going to be a biological mum? It’s a tricky question to unpack.

Young and rested

On the one hand, being a young mum is often equated to having more energy to take care of a newborn and toddler. And certainly a tremendous amount of stamina – both physical and mental – is required to function on but a few hours of sleep in the first few months, maybe years; as well as to run behind unnervingly swift first-time crawlers.

Then come parks, play areas and play dates (nothing cuts calories more effectively than overseeing a roomful of toddlers); and slotting in school runs and summer camp schedules.

Conceiving in one’s twenties is also slightly less likely to lead to miscarriages and other complications compared to when a woman is in her thirties (one in 10 versus two in 10), according to myriad reports from the likes of the Mayo and Cleveland clinics as well as the NHS in the UK.

Finally, as a friend who had three children before 30 keeps reminding me, she and her husband will be “free to travel and chill” at the relatively young age of 49, once their children have flown the nest.

Older and wiser

Having studied until the age of 25 like many of my peers, I only got a “real” job at 26, got married at 27 (still too early I think, but that’s a column for another time) and moved from Mumbai to Dubai at 28.

Accordingly, the first few years after wedded bliss were spent counting fils and racking up travel bills as we explored the many regions so easily accessible from the UAE. Changing nappies with a wrinkly-faced grimace rather than a youthful grin at 3am has nothing on swimming by the moonlight in Istanbul or catching the sunrise over Mount Kazbek.

The early thirties were spent firming up careers that would enable us to better manage hefty tuition fees, doctor’s visits and trips back home to see the grandparents. It also afforded a chance to mature in the marriage, find our feet and work out the kinks that arise when two people attempt to make a life together.

A quick survey of my mum friends reveals the majority believe they would not have opted to have a baby beforehand, for reasons quite similar to mine. The one who wishes she'd had a baby earlier than her 33 years, said: "As I see it, I established emotional maturity, a sense of security and the readiness to have a child at 30 itself. Three years late makes a difference, in terms of a career reset, the energy to keep up with a newborn and the time it took my body to recover."

In my case, however, when our child finally came along, I was a far more mature and grounded person and parent than I would have been a decade earlier – though certainly not as able to cope with 20-hour days week on week and, as my friend notes, the recovery time was probably far longer. A slower metabolism is no friend of the "mommy pooch", I'll tell you that.

Also real is the guilt, be it about time not spent or activities not ticked off. But that might well have been the case at any age and stage for a working mum keen to hold the key to her own life.

So, do I wish I had more energy at the end of each day and over weekends to deal with the alarming number of children's birthday parties and WhatsApp parent groups we seem to be part of? Definitely.

But do I think the energy expended on building my life up to this point was a total waste? Definitely not.