Hodgson out!
Sorry, Roy, nothing personal.
Managing the England football team is a thankless task that you have undertaken diligently and with moderate success, if one can count beating tiny nations with populations the size of a medium-sized mill town as a success.
But, hey, you can only play the opponents you are given and the Moldovas and San Marinos of the world do provide a different type of challenge.
Like finding them on a map, for a start.
It is not your plodding attack that has worn my patience thin, Roy, nor even your passivity in defence. In fact, it has nothing to do with what you have done at all.
To paraphrase the old heartbreaker's adage: it's not you, it's Mykhailo.
Mykhailo Fomenko, to be precise.
The news conference given by the coach of Ukraine before his team played England at Kiev this week was an utter joy.
"Monosyllabic" does not quite cover it.
His barely audible grunts and refusal to engage with even the softest question put other famous sporting grumps in the shade.
The helpless hacks would have got more chat from Sir Alex Ferguson with jet lag and a mouth ulcer.
Fomenko's response to any question fell into one of three categories: "I don't want to tell you", "that question has no relevance" or "shall we just wait and see what happens in the game?".
So, when asked what he knew about England striker Rickie Lambert, he replied simply: "It's a secret."
When asked to draw comparisons to bygone games, he said: "We can't compare our previous fixtures as they were completely different."
And when asked to speculate on how various players would perform during the looming match, he sniffed: "All these questions can be answered after the game."
I can see why the journalists were miffed. In a devastating 30-minute period, the utter futility of much of their pre-match craft was laid bare.
Because, really, Fomenko was just being honest.
Of course a coach is not going to say anything meaningful about tactics or dangerous opponents before a game. Why would he?
Of course it is daft to compare previous fixtures, as if Robbie Fowler's goal against Ukraine back in 2000 makes it more likely that Lambert will find the net 13 years later.
And of course it is pointless to speculate about how players will fare when all any coach will ever do is back his own boy while offering the usual platitudes about how good the opponents are.
No coach says a great deal more than Fomenko. It is just that, in doing so, they use up a lot more words – and time.
The pre-match presser is not there for us.
It is for journalists with holes to fill, sponsors with logos to promote and the occasional attention-seeker, such as Jose Mourinho, to hog some limelight.
Frankly, if we must hear from our sporting icons before a match, I'd rather they read us a passage or two from an improving novelist, or a couple of Shakespeare's better sonnets.
At least we'd gain something from the experience.
Fomenko may be the man to break the cycle of meaningless media events but he cannot do so from the sideline in Ukraine.
He needs a proper platform – and the England job is it.
We tried the golden generation.
Now let's try the silence-is-golden generation.
*
*
Hamilton's imagination runs wild
A sportsman worth listening to, occasionally, is Lewis Hamilton.
The Formula One ace could have reached for the bumper book of cliches when asked to describe his chance of pegging back Sebastian Vettel in the world drivers' championship.
Instead he went off on an improvised riff, pulling images from the ether like a 1960s beat poet.
"It would be like running up Everest," he mused, "without oxygen, in swimming trunks."
Wow. The guy is super human. He even drives his thought-train at top speed.
Not only does Hamilton's imagery brilliantly convey the gravity of the task but he also came up with something that would make an excellent sport in itself.
Quite why Bernie Ecclestone has not already seized upon the idea is a mystery. Unless he is put off by the limited space available on a pair of swimming trunks for sponsor logos.
If he changes his mind, I'd recommend switching the mountain to K2. In terms of brand partnership, it would work perfectly with F1.
But why limit ourselves to Speedo-clad mountaineering?
Using Hamilton's formula – traditional challenge plus physical impairment plus inappropriate clothing – the possibilities are limitless.
How about a competition to row the Atlantic, blindfolded, wearing a tuxedo? Or swim the English Channel, hungry, in wellington boots? Or beat Phil "The Power" Taylor at darts, while coming around from a general anaesthetic and wearing boxing gloves?
It would be like an extreme version of It's A Knockout.
This is what happens when great minds are given the freedom to roam. I hope Hamilton is not reined in by the Mercedes press team, but given the licence to speak his fertile mind.
Besides, he'll have plenty of thinking time over the coming weeks – after all, he has none of those pesky winner's duties to perform.
sports@thenational.ae
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
Started: 2020
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: Entertainment
Number of staff: 210
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
KEY%20DATES%20IN%20AMAZON'S%20HISTORY
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The%20specs%20
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Moon Music
Artist: Coldplay
Label: Parlophone/Atlantic
Number of tracks: 10
Rating: 3/5
The five pillars of Islam
The%20specs
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The specs
Engine: 77.4kW all-wheel-drive dual motor
Power: 320bhp
Torque: 605Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Price: From Dh219,000
On sale: Now
'Manmarziyaan' (Colour Yellow Productions, Phantom Films)
Director: Anurag Kashyap
Cast: Abhishek Bachchan, Taapsee Pannu, Vicky Kaushal
Rating: 3.5/5
COMPANY%20PROFILE
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The specs: 2018 Renault Megane
Price, base / as tested Dh52,900 / Dh59,200
Engine 1.6L in-line four-cylinder
Transmission Continuously variable transmission
Power 115hp @ 5,500rpm
Torque 156Nm @ 4,000rpm
Fuel economy, combined 6.6L / 100km
The chef's advice
Troy Payne, head chef at Abu Dhabi’s newest healthy eatery Sanderson’s in Al Seef Resort & Spa, says singles need to change their mindset about how they approach the supermarket.
“They feel like they can’t buy one cucumber,” he says. “But I can walk into a shop – I feed two people at home – and I’ll walk into a shop and I buy one cucumber, I’ll buy one onion.”
Mr Payne asks for the sticker to be placed directly on each item, rather than face the temptation of filling one of the two-kilogram capacity plastic bags on offer.
The chef also advises singletons not get too hung up on “organic”, particularly high-priced varieties that have been flown in from far-flung locales. Local produce is often grown sustainably, and far cheaper, he says.
How they line up for Sunday's Australian Grand Prix
1 Lewis Hamilton, Mercedes
2 Kimi Raikkonen, Ferrari
3 Sebastian Vettel, Ferrari
4 Max Verstappen, Red Bull
5 Kevin Magnussen, Haas
6 Romain Grosjean, Haas
7 Nico Hulkenberg, Renault
*8 Daniel Ricciardo, Red Bull
9 Carlos Sainz, Renault
10 Valtteri Bottas, Mercedes
11 Fernando Alonso, McLaren
12 Stoffel Vandoorne, McLaren
13 Sergio Perez, Force India
14 Lance Stroll, Williams
15 Esteban Ocon, Force India
16 Brendon Hartley, Toro Rosso
17 Marcus Ericsson, Sauber
18 Charles Leclerc, Sauber
19 Sergey Sirotkin, Williams
20 Pierre Gasly, Toro Rosso
* Daniel Ricciardo qualified fifth but had a three-place grid penalty for speeding in red flag conditions during practice
EA Sports FC 25
Developer: EA Vancouver, EA Romania
Publisher: EA Sports
Consoles: Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4&5, Xbox One and Xbox Series X/S
Rating: 3.5/5
The specs
Engine: 2.7-litre 4-cylinder Turbomax
Power: 310hp
Torque: 583Nm
Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Price: From Dh192,500
On sale: Now
PRO BASH
Thursday’s fixtures
6pm: Hyderabad Nawabs v Pakhtoon Warriors
10pm: Lahore Sikandars v Pakhtoon Blasters
Teams
Chennai Knights, Lahore Sikandars, Pakhtoon Blasters, Abu Dhabi Stars, Abu Dhabi Dragons, Pakhtoon Warriors and Hyderabad Nawabs.
Squad rules
All teams consist of 15-player squads that include those contracted in the diamond (3), platinum (2) and gold (2) categories, plus eight free to sign team members.
Tournament rules
The matches are of 25 over-a-side with an 8-over power play in which only two fielders allowed outside the 30-yard circle. Teams play in a single round robin league followed by the semi-finals and final. The league toppers will feature in the semi-final eliminator.
RESULTS
5pm: Maiden (PA) Dh80,000 1,600m
Winner: Omania, Saif Al Balushi (jockey), Ibrahim Al Hadhrami (trainer)
5.30pm: Conditions (PA) Dh85,000 1,600m
Winner: Brehaan, Richard Mullen, Ana Mendez
6pm: Handicap (TB) Dh100,000 1,600m
Winner: Craving, Connor Beasley, Simon Crisford
6.30pm: The President’s Cup Prep (PA) Dh100,000 2,200m
Winner: Rmmas, Tadhg O’Shea, Jean de Roualle
7pm: Wathba Stallions Cup (PA) Dh70,000 1,200m
Winner: Dahess D’Arabie, Connor Beasley, Helal Al Alawi
7.30pm: Handicap (PA) Dh80,000 1,400m
Winner: Fertile De Croate, Sam Hitchcott, Ibrahim Aseel
Joker: Folie a Deux
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Lady Gaga, Brendan Gleeson
Director: Todd Phillips
Rating: 2/5
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