In the Olympics rush, a glimpse of not-so-glorious London



For those, like me, whose job is to perform in a play each night in London's theatreland, these are interesting - not to say cacophonous - times. With the Olympic Games now less than a week away, the capital increasingly resembles some Hollywood zombie movie, with groups of glazed-eyed tourists stumbling aimlessly about in search of Big Ben, or their hotel, or just somewhere to shelter from the rain.

With a million extra passengers on the subway, journeying in each night is becoming an increasingly claustrophobic experience. And don't be fooled into thinking a warm, dark theatre is a good place in which to catch 40 winks after a hard day's sightseeing. London is loud. Each night, the cast has to compete for the audience's attention with wailing police sirens, the thrum of distant helicopters and screeching tyres.

As if this wasn't surreal enough, upon leaving the theatre last night I noticed a detachment of troops arriving to guard the approach to Buckingham Palace, dressed in full camouflage gear overlaid with fluorescent high-visibility jackets.

The strains of living in this overcrowded city are being seen everywhere. Last weekend in Hyde Park, Sir Paul McCartney, no less, had the plug pulled on a rock concert after he exceeded the 10.30pm curfew specified by authorities.

And only yesterday, the London Borough of Hammersmith announced it would issue chest-mounted video cameras to parking wardens to record the increasing number of assaults being inflicted on them by motorists.

But if Londoners are hoping that life will return to normal once the Olympics are finished, they're in for a shock: this week, the Office of National Statistics announced that the population of the UK's capital city had crested eight million for the first time. Indeed, the overall population of the country has increased by 7 per cent in just 10 years, mainly as a result of an influx of immigrants from eastern Europe and an associated baby boom.

The bare statistics say a lot, but just how life is being affected by living cheek by jowl is more eloquently expressed in another survey (albeit a less scientific one) published in the BBC magazine Gardeners' World.

This pastoral publication, which usually concerns itself with the best way to prune your petunias or grow prize rhubarb, has taken time to ask readers for their top 10 sources of urban irritation. And the answers reflect just how wired up Britons have become.

Where once upon a time the only threats to peace and quiet were tweeting birds and the whistle of the morning postman, the list of common irritations is now a catalogue of your neighbours' pastimes.

The worst offender apparently is the outdoor hot tub, the ultimate urban status symbol. These human washing machines are the latest must-have accessory to arrive from Sweden, on the heels of Abba and the Volvo.

Close behind is the outdoor barbecue followed by an inventory of shame: errant burglar alarms, loud televisions, partying students and what is described as "groups of middle-aged women shrieking" (although the survey was quiet on whether hot tubs were involved in said shrieking).

And it's not just noise that's stretching people's nerves to the breaking point. Other sources of irritation include wind chimes jangling in the breeze, the constant flashing of security lights and "the smell of fabric conditioner" from clothes hanging on the washing line.

If the scent of newly laundered clothes is enough to bring neighbours to fisticuffs, something must be wrong. And the sober truth is that urban living is coming under more pressure every year.

Indeed, the issue of population management probably will move inexorably up the political agenda along with the statistics. Meanwhile, Londoners brace for the millions of tourists arriving for Friday's opening ceremony - and a glimpse, I fear, of the city of the future.

Michael Simkins is a writer and actor based in London

On Twitter: @michael_simkins

Joker: Folie a Deux

Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Lady Gaga, Brendan Gleeson

Director: Todd Phillips 

Rating: 2/5

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The specs
Engine: Long-range single or dual motor with 200kW or 400kW battery
Power: 268bhp / 536bhp
Torque: 343Nm / 686Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Max touring range: 620km / 590km
Price: From Dh250,000 (estimated)
On sale: Later this year
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Thank You for Banking with Us

Director: Laila Abbas

Starring: Yasmine Al Massri, Clara Khoury, Kamel El Basha, Ashraf Barhoum

Rating: 4/5

Essentials

The flights

Etihad (etihad.ae) and flydubai (flydubai.com) fly direct to Baku three times a week from Dh1,250 return, including taxes. 
 

The stay

A seven-night “Fundamental Detox” programme at the Chenot Palace (chenotpalace.com/en) costs from €3,000 (Dh13,197) per person, including taxes, accommodation, 3 medical consultations, 2 nutritional consultations, a detox diet, a body composition analysis, a bio-energetic check-up, four Chenot bio-energetic treatments, six Chenot energetic massages, six hydro-aromatherapy treatments, six phyto-mud treatments, six hydro-jet treatments and access to the gym, indoor pool, sauna and steam room. Additional tests and treatments cost extra.

Moon Music

Artist: Coldplay

Label: Parlophone/Atlantic

Number of tracks: 10

Rating: 3/5

PRO BASH

Thursday’s fixtures

6pm: Hyderabad Nawabs v Pakhtoon Warriors

10pm: Lahore Sikandars v Pakhtoon Blasters

Teams

Chennai Knights, Lahore Sikandars, Pakhtoon Blasters, Abu Dhabi Stars, Abu Dhabi Dragons, Pakhtoon Warriors and Hyderabad Nawabs.

Squad rules

All teams consist of 15-player squads that include those contracted in the diamond (3), platinum (2) and gold (2) categories, plus eight free to sign team members.

Tournament rules

The matches are of 25 over-a-side with an 8-over power play in which only two fielders allowed outside the 30-yard circle. Teams play in a single round robin league followed by the semi-finals and final. The league toppers will feature in the semi-final eliminator.

ODI FIXTURE SCHEDULE

First ODI, October 22
Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai

Second ODI, October 25
Maharashtra Cricket Association Stadium, Pune

Third ODI, October 29
Venue TBC

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The winners

Fiction

  • ‘Amreekiya’  by Lena Mahmoud
  •  ‘As Good As True’ by Cheryl Reid

The Evelyn Shakir Non-Fiction Award

  • ‘Syrian and Lebanese Patricios in Sao Paulo’ by Oswaldo Truzzi;  translated by Ramon J Stern
  • ‘The Sound of Listening’ by Philip Metres

The George Ellenbogen Poetry Award

  • ‘Footnotes in the Order  of Disappearance’ by Fady Joudah

Children/Young Adult

  •  ‘I’ve Loved You Since Forever’ by Hoda Kotb 
The specs
Engine: 2.7-litre 4-cylinder Turbomax
Power: 310hp
Torque: 583Nm
Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Price: From Dh192,500
On sale: Now
ESSENTIALS

The flights

Emirates flies direct from Dubai to Rio de Janeiro from Dh7,000 return including taxes. Avianca fliles from Rio to Cusco via Lima from $399 (Dhxx) return including taxes. 

The trip

From US$1,830 per deluxe cabin, twin share, for the one-night Spirit of the Water itinerary and US$4,630 per deluxe cabin for the Peruvian Highlands itinerary, inclusive of meals, and beverages. Surcharges apply for some excursions.

Getting there

The flights

Emirates and Etihad fly to Johannesburg or Cape Town daily. Flights cost from about Dh3,325, with a flying time of 8hours and 15 minutes. From there, fly South African Airlines or Air Namibia to Namibia’s Windhoek Hosea Kutako International Airport, for about Dh850. Flying time is 2 hours.

The stay

Wilderness Little Kulala offers stays from £460 (Dh2,135) per person, per night. It is one of seven Wilderness Safari lodges in Namibia; www.wilderness-safaris.com.

Skeleton Coast Safaris’ four-day adventure involves joining a very small group in a private plane, flying to some of the remotest areas in the world, with each night spent at a different camp. It costs from US$8,335.30 (Dh30,611); www.skeletoncoastsafaris.com

How to protect yourself when air quality drops

Install an air filter in your home.

Close your windows and turn on the AC.

Shower or bath after being outside.

Wear a face mask.

Stay indoors when conditions are particularly poor.

If driving, turn your engine off when stationary.

%3Cp%3EThe%20Punishment%20of%20Luxury%3Cbr%3EOMD%3Cbr%3E100%25%20Records%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
WWE Evolution results
  • Trish Stratus and Lita beat Alicia Fox and Mickie James in a tag match
  • Nia Jax won a battle royal, eliminating Ember Moon last to win
  • Toni Storm beat Io Shirai to win the Mae Young Classic
  • Natalya, Sasha Banks and Bayley beat The Riott Squad in a six-woman tag match​​​​​​​
  • Shayna Baszler won the NXT Women’s title by defeating Kairi Sane
  • Becky Lynch retained the SmackDown Women’s Championship against Charlotte Flair in a Last Woman Standing match
  • Ronda Rousey retained the Raw Women’s title by beating Nikki Bella
MATCH INFO

Chelsea 1
Alonso (62')

Huddersfield Town 1
Depoitre (50')

The specs
 
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
SPECS
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COMPANY PROFILE
Name: ARDH Collective
Based: Dubai
Founders: Alhaan Ahmed, Alyina Ahmed and Maximo Tettamanzi
Sector: Sustainability
Total funding: Self funded
Number of employees: 4
EA Sports FC 25
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