These are large shoes to fill, and the prospect is daunting. A few days ago the marketing johnnies met and determined that more people read the paper at the beginning of the week than at the end. Therefore it was decided that we should reshuffle our pack of columnists, putting the heavyweights, the men of gravitas, at the beginning. Gary Wayne Arnold, formerly of this parish, is now a Sunday man. By way of reward for all my hours of toiling away on a Friday appearance, I have been promoted to Thursday. This is remarkably good news for my career: in 10 years' time I might even get to Tuesday.
But then I realised that comparisons might be invidious. Mr Arnold is a Harvard man (clearly very brainy) and once was a reporter in Singapore for The New York Times, so he can be expected to be able to string a few words together. His regular Thursday readers are probably looking at this already with some expression of disdain. What's it all about? I looked through some of his columns for inspiration. Maybe I could copy them. He seemed very interested in taxis, CDOs, Dubai debt and all things Asian. Inflation, double-dip recessions and economic forecasts appeared to concern him, too.
Hmm. I care little for taxis. My experience with them here persuaded me to buy two cars, just in case one broke down. I am even contemplating buying a third for the children. I have no idea what a CDO is and care even less. I can only assume that it is another invention by bankers for them to lose money. As for Dubai debt, I can only applaud a situation when bankers have to line up and beg you to pay them back. If only I could get those rogues at HSBC to do the same for me. More than 25 years of banking with them and they still send me snotty letters. Surely they know by now I spend more money than I earn?
As for all that economics stuff, surely nobody believes any of it any more? It is like the credit rating agencies, always boarding up the stable after the horses have been turned into pet food. I am afraid I am going to have to educate my Thursday readers to expect rather different fare. I would like to think that each of my Friday columns has approached a different topic in a new way, throwing a clear beam, adding clarity and insight.
Alas, a look through my offerings over the past year and a half suggests otherwise. I have been obsessed by banker bonuses - a bad thing I initially thought, until everybody else cottoned on. Now I have changed my mind. I wish them well, hope they will invite me to their parties, and the younger ones will consider at least one of my three daughters - or why not all three of them - as a potential bride. I don't even mind if they elope.
Cars. Who doesn't like cars, apart from the people who have been making them in Detroit for the past 20 years? I'd like to see a return to the days of swaggering car making. Yes, eventually we are going to run out of oil, so why not get on with it? The art market. As Lehman burnt, Damien Hirst was busy flogging off his latest half-baked offerings. This seemed a perfect metaphor for the age when style finally ran substance through with a spike.
Watches. We all know time is flying. How about to watch it pass then with an expensive timepiece on your wrist? The French. I lived in France for 8 years and have a house there still. I thought this in some way allowed me to make a few jokes at their expense. I was wrong. The Germans. I am no longer allowed to mention the Germans in a column. As revenge, I am no longer including sauerkraut in my diet.
The Russians. I spent a good part of the 1990s visiting and writing about the developing financial and economic scene in that country. This doesn't mean that you should trust what I write about them, but you should know enough not to trust them. Bankers. Did I mention bonuses? I also think journalists should get them, too. Predictions. I make regular, sweeping predictions. They do not last long, as soon afterwards, I make another. You should think of them as General Charles de Gaulle thought of international treaties: "Comme les jeunes filles et les roses, ils durent jusqu'a ils durent." (Like young woman and roses, they last as long as they last.)
Recycling. As we all know, recycling is very much in vogue. I have spent large parts of the past year or so recycling these columns. I should get a grant from Greenpeace. How does this set me apart from the Harvard man? I suppose you could say that I am interested in people, particularly if they are foreign and make me laugh, such as Tiger Woods and Paris Hilton. Those of a more serious persuasion will find plenty to detain them on a Sunday morning.
@Email:rwright@thenational.ae Wayne Arnold's column will now be appearing on Sundays