Lawrence Dallaglio, the former England rugby captain, writes a column for a local sports paper. William West / AFP
Lawrence Dallaglio, the former England rugby captain, writes a column for a local sports paper. William West / AFP

I always bite the hand that feeds me, except when I don't



I have column envy. To be precise, I am envious about one particular column, written by Lawrence Dallaglio, the former England rugby captain in a local sports paper.

It is neither his mellifluous prose nor his insight into the game that is infecting me with the green-eyed monster, but the fact that a good chunk of the copy is taken up with an advert for an airline. We hear about how much he likes it, where it flies and when it lands.

Almost everything except his favourite meal, the name of his preferred stewardess and where he likes to sit.

It is not just that when he writes his column he knows he has very few words to file that irritates me.

Why can't I be allowed to flog an airline or aftershave or even an antiseptic? Pele was able to endorse Viagra; David Beckham sells Calvin Klein boxers; even Wayne Rooney sells something, although I can't recall exactly what it is or why I'd want to buy it if he likes it.

But the policy of this paper is not to accept endorsements or presents. We can accept small gifts that are then auctioned off with the proceeds given to charity. This is maybe a dangerous ploy, because what exactly constitutes a "small gift"? And which charity does it go to?

Many years ago Mahathir Mohamad, then the prime minister of Malaysia, was said to be outraged when a Sunday Times story suggested he had accepted a bribe of £1 million (Dh5.7m).

As I understand it, it wasn't just the allegation of bribery that upset him; what really irked was the insinuation that he could be influenced by such an insignificant sum. He sued for libel, and won.

I have never really held with this mainly North American po-facedness about backhanders. French journalists, at least until very recently, used to get tax breaks just for being journalists. Quite right too. My preference would be to accept as many freebies as possible, but not let them sway my opinion. I have always worked on the principle you should always bite the hand that feeds you.

By all means feed me oysters and champagne, whisk me to sun-kissed Caribbean islands if you will, but be prepared for me to say what I think.

For example, one public relations person took me to Martinique. They had plans to build a golf and beach resort, even though they did not own enough land for 18 holes, barely enough for 12.

I don't know if you've ever been to Martinique, but it's a rum place. The hotel we stayed at combined the lack of charm of the French together with the innate inefficiency of the Caribbean.When I pointed this out in the article, the PR got rather shirty. But you drank our rum, she moaned. Yes I did, but that was only because there was nothing better on offer.

Everybody else on the trip wrote glowing pieces, which made me recall Humbert Wolfe's epigram: you cannot hope to bribe or twist (thank God!) the British journalist.

But, seeing what the man will do unbribed, there's no occasion to.

Rugby players though, even when they venture into print, are even more commercial. This is curious, because of course rugby was about the last amateur sport (except in the southern hemisphere, where the best players were given cushy "jobs" while spending most of the day in the gym). If you want them to get your message across, you need to pay them and perhaps even write the words yourselves.

Why it should come as a surprise that modern sportsmen are rather venal is beyond me.

There has been a tremendous complaint in the British press about this year's shambolic rugby team, who went to New Zealand not to pick up a cup but to trouser as much cash as possible. One player was reportedly heard to comment after the semi-final defeat to France: "Bang goes 35,000 quid down the toilet". Cue moral outrage throughout the land.

This is misplaced and misguided. The world has moved on. Times are hard and we must all do what we can to make ends meet. If advertising is a little sparse, I think the least I can do is pepper my Jaguar copy with the odd Mercedes-Benz. For a fee of course, payable via Visa or MasterCard. I'd rather BMW well-rewarded than struggling along in a Skoda.

Ian Fleming was on to this more than 40 years ago. James Bond, his suave hero, endorses everything from Rolexes to Aston Martins in the books. Watch the later films, and you'll see he switches to an Omega and a BMW. How did that happen?

There is a website called brandkarma.com that rates brands. The BBC is currently its top performer, followed by Wikipedia and Patagonia - the clothing company, not the windy spot at the foot of South America.

I don't know who would bother wasting their time rating things for free, but whoever you are, you're an idiot.

In future nobody's getting any free advertising from me unless they let me stretch out in first class or weigh down my wrist.

It may take a Longines time for somebody to Panerai up with an offer, but I'm willing to wait Lange & Sohne for the right deal.

So come on corporates: give me a Bell & Ross.

Company%20Profile
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Thank You for Banking with Us

Director: Laila Abbas

Starring: Yasmine Al Massri, Clara Khoury, Kamel El Basha, Ashraf Barhoum

Rating: 4/5

COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
 
Started: 2020
 
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
 
Based: Dubai, UAE
 
Sector: Entertainment 
 
Number of staff: 210 
 
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
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THREE POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS

Khalfan Mubarak
The Al Jazira playmaker has for some time been tipped for stardom within UAE football, with Quique Sanchez Flores, his former manager at Al Ahli, once labelling him a “genius”. He was only 17. Now 23, Mubarak has developed into a crafty supplier of chances, evidenced by his seven assists in six league matches this season. Still to display his class at international level, though.

Rayan Yaslam
The Al Ain attacking midfielder has become a regular starter for his club in the past 15 months. Yaslam, 23, is a tidy and intelligent player, technically proficient with an eye for opening up defences. Developed while alongside Abdulrahman in the Al Ain first-team and has progressed well since manager Zoran Mamic’s arrival. However, made his UAE debut only last December.

Ismail Matar
The Al Wahda forward is revered by teammates and a key contributor to the squad. At 35, his best days are behind him, but Matar is incredibly experienced and an example to his colleagues. His ability to cope with tournament football is a concern, though, despite Matar beginning the season well. Not a like-for-like replacement, although the system could be adjusted to suit.

Jigra
Director: Vasan Bala
Starring: Alia Bhatt, Vedang Raina, Manoj Pahwa, Harsh Singh
Rated: 3.5/5
Moon Music

Artist: Coldplay

Label: Parlophone/Atlantic

Number of tracks: 10

Rating: 3/5

APPLE IPAD MINI (A17 PRO)

Display: 21cm Liquid Retina Display, 2266 x 1488, 326ppi, 500 nits

Chip: Apple A17 Pro, 6-core CPU, 5-core GPU, 16-core Neural Engine

Storage: 128/256/512GB

Main camera: 12MP wide, f/1.8, digital zoom up to 5x, Smart HDR 4

Front camera: 12MP ultra-wide, f/2.4, Smart HDR 4, full-HD @ 25/30/60fps

Biometrics: Touch ID, Face ID

Colours: Blue, purple, space grey, starlight

In the box: iPad mini, USB-C cable, 20W USB-C power adapter

Price: From Dh2,099

UPI facts

More than 2.2 million Indian tourists arrived in UAE in 2023
More than 3.5 million Indians reside in UAE
Indian tourists can make purchases in UAE using rupee accounts in India through QR-code-based UPI real-time payment systems
Indian residents in UAE can use their non-resident NRO and NRE accounts held in Indian banks linked to a UAE mobile number for UPI transactions

The studios taking part (so far)
  1. Punch
  2. Vogue Fitness 
  3. Sweat
  4. Bodytree Studio
  5. The Hot House
  6. The Room
  7. Inspire Sports (Ladies Only)
  8. Cryo
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: ARDH Collective
Based: Dubai
Founders: Alhaan Ahmed, Alyina Ahmed and Maximo Tettamanzi
Sector: Sustainability
Total funding: Self funded
Number of employees: 4
Joker: Folie a Deux

Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Lady Gaga, Brendan Gleeson

Director: Todd Phillips 

Rating: 2/5

The Lowdown

Kesari

Rating: 2.5/5 stars
Produced by: Dharma Productions, Azure Entertainment
Directed by: Anubhav Singh
Cast: Akshay Kumar, Parineeti Chopra

 

RESULTS

2.15pm: Al Marwan Group Holding – Handicap (PA) Dh40,000 (Dirt) 1,200m
Winner: SS Jalmod, Antonio Fresu (jockey), Ibrahim Al Hadhrami (trainer)

2.45pm: Sharjah Equine Hospital – Maiden (PA) Dh40,000 (D) 1,000m
Winner: Ghallieah, Sebastien Martino, Jean-Claude Pecout

3.15pm: Al Marwan Group Holding – Handicap (PA) Dh40,000 (D) 1,700m
Winner: Inthar, Saif Al Balushi, Khalifa Al Neyadi

3.45pm: Al Ain Stud Emirates Breeders Trophy – Conditions (PA) Dh50,000 (D) 1,700m
Winner: MH Rahal, Richard Mullen, Elise Jeanne

4.25pm: Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan Cup – Prestige Handicap (PA) Dh100,000 (D) 1,200m
Winner: JAP Aneed, Ray Dawson, Irfan Ellahi

4.45pm: Sharjah Equine Hospital – Handicap (TB) Dh40,000 (D) 1,200m
Winner: Edaraat, Antonio Fresu, Musabah Al Muhairi

How to protect yourself when air quality drops

Install an air filter in your home.

Close your windows and turn on the AC.

Shower or bath after being outside.

Wear a face mask.

Stay indoors when conditions are particularly poor.

If driving, turn your engine off when stationary.

COMPANY%20PROFILE
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The Pope's itinerary

Sunday, February 3, 2019 - Rome to Abu Dhabi
1pm: departure by plane from Rome / Fiumicino to Abu Dhabi
10pm: arrival at Abu Dhabi Presidential Airport


Monday, February 4
12pm: welcome ceremony at the main entrance of the Presidential Palace
12.20pm: visit Abu Dhabi Crown Prince at Presidential Palace
5pm: private meeting with Muslim Council of Elders at Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque
6.10pm: Inter-religious in the Founder's Memorial


Tuesday, February 5 - Abu Dhabi to Rome
9.15am: private visit to undisclosed cathedral
10.30am: public mass at Zayed Sports City – with a homily by Pope Francis
12.40pm: farewell at Abu Dhabi Presidential Airport
1pm: departure by plane to Rome
5pm: arrival at the Rome / Ciampino International Airport

The specs: 2018 Volkswagen Teramont

Price, base / as tested Dh137,000 / Dh189,950

Engine 3.6-litre V6

Gearbox Eight-speed automatic

Power 280hp @ 6,200rpm

Torque 360Nm @ 2,750rpm

Fuel economy, combined 11.7L / 100km

'Ashkal'
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EDirector%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Youssef%20Chebbi%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EStars%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Fatma%20Oussaifi%20and%20Mohamed%20Houcine%20Grayaa%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ERating%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%204%2F5%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Dubai World Cup Carnival Thursday race card

6.30pm: Dubai Millennium Stakes Group Three US$200,000 (Turf) 2,000m
7.05pm: Handicap $135,000 (T) 1,600m​​​​​​​
7.40pm: UAE Oaks Group Three $250,000 (Dirt) 1,900m​​​​​​​
8.15pm: Zabeel Mile Group Two $250,000 (T) 1,600m​​​​​​​
8.50pm: Meydan Sprint Group Two $250,000 (T) 1,000m​​​​​​​
9.25pm: Handicap $135,000 (D) 1,400m
10pm: Handicap $135,000 (T) 1,600m

The%20specs
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EEngine%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESingle%20front-axle%20electric%20motor%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EPower%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E218hp%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETorque%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E330Nm%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETransmission%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESingle-speed%20automatic%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EMax%20touring%20range%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E402km%20(claimed)%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EPrice%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EFrom%20Dh215%2C000%20(estimate)%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EOn%20sale%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ESeptember%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Company%20Profile
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Cargoz%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EDate%20started%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20January%202022%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Premlal%20Pullisserry%20and%20Lijo%20Antony%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dubai%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20staff%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%2030%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%20stage%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Seed%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Call of Duty: Black Ops 6

Developer: Treyarch, Raven Software
Publisher:  Activision
Console: PlayStation 4 & 5, Windows, Xbox One & Series X/S
Rating: 3.5/5

COMPANY%20PROFILE
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Alaan%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202021%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dubai%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Parthi%20Duraisamy%20and%20Karun%20Kurien%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ESector%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20FinTech%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%20stage%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20%247%20million%20raised%20in%20total%20%E2%80%94%20%242.5%20million%20in%20a%20seed%20round%20and%20%244.5%20million%20in%20a%20pre-series%20A%20round%3Cbr%3E%3Cbr%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Asia Cup 2018 Qualifier

Sunday's results:

  • UAE beat Malaysia by eight wickets
  • Nepal beat Singapore by four wickets
  • Oman v Hong Kong, no result

Tuesday fixtures:

  • Malaysia v Singapore
  • UAE v Oman
  • Nepal v Hong Kong