This week I went looking for tension in the Strait of Hormuz. Bad weather meant I got only as far as a chip van on the Fujairah corniche. I hadn't packed an anorak, so thought better safe than sorry.
Fujairah feels as tense as sipping green tea in a Radox bath with the Pussycat Dolls playing the panpipes.
The world is getting a bit obsessed with tension in the Strait of Hormuz. It has become the nagging migraine of international relations.
If you type "tension in the s…" in Google, the search engine anticipates the tension you are experiencing is either in your stomach, in your shoulder, or in your Strait of Hormuz.
"I'm off to bed love, me Hormuz is playing up again."
There are clearly a lot of hypochondriacs out there bent on blaming the Iranians for their every ache and pain, when all they need is some Deep Heat.
I am able to report that the good people of Fujairah, living just 70 nautical miles from the Strait of Hormuz, do not suffer from any discernible tension.
Fujairah could be the world's sleepiest boom town. At 3pm on the first day of the working week, the city centre seems mainly closed. A big billboard on the highway approaching the town welcomes visitors to an exhibition that finished two years ago.
Out in the bay it is possible to see the outline of dozens of oil tankers moored to the mist. The tide is out and there is that smell of seaweed and marine diesel familiar to anyone who has lived in a port. The bad weather gives it the feel of an out-of-season British seaside town.
On the distinctive dark brown sands of the beach, two men are pulling a reluctant bull by the nose. He is being exercised for a fight with another bull on Friday.
It could be a scene from a bovine version of Rocky- or better still, Raging Bull.
Fujairah bull fighting doesn't involve any mincing matadors in tight pants and clenched buttocks. It's just about two hulking beasts butting each other until one is judged the winner - a great game of Sumo on the hoof - rather like what's going on in the Strait of Hormuz.
Behind the bull on the beach is a sprawling construction site that will eventually be the terminal for a pipeline stretching 370 kilometres from Abu Dhabi.
It will allow Gulf oil exports to bypass the strait, instead moving overland through the Hajar mountains.
Around it many other projects are taking shape - all planned with a purpose. You won't find any vanity construction among the oil storage tanks and aggregate conveyor belts.
Everything has a defined and strategic role. It is driven by demand and largely funded by the private-sector companies themselves. It is refreshingly lacking in leverage or speculation. Fujairah is just getting on with it.
A drama may soon begin to unfold in the nearby strait, but it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone here. If anything, it is good for business. The butting bulls provide all the tension this place needs.
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