Communicate with your charges in a language they understand

“He sends you flowers when what you really want is time to talk”, writes the author Gary Chapman as he explains a marital concept called “The Five Love Languages”. In the middle of describing an approach towards relational bliss, he strikes on a leadership concept from which we will all benefit.

The basis of his point is that people love the way they want to be loved; when they should love the way the other wants to be loved. In the same way, we fall into the trap of leading the way we want to be led rather than leading the way the followers need to be led.

Point in case is the senior leader who sat in the workshop arguing with the rest of the top team that his leadership style is justified because it is the way he wants to be led. This statement is maybe acceptable from a superstar leader who has impeccable behaviour, but since such a leader is rarer than a precious stone, then we are better not to copy this idea.

At first I was unsure if he was trying to justify his bad behaviour and other leadership weaknesses. Then it became clear to me and the others in the room that he had fallen into the trap of leading the way he wanted to be led. He boldly stated that he liked it when a leader was direct, even blunt with him, did not tolerate any mistakes, and told him exactly what to do.

And this is exactly the way he leads. Yet the concerning issue is that this is not the style his team desires, and as a result he is not a popular leader. What speaks volumes to you and seems like a good approach may be meaningless to your followers.

It is too easy to overlook one fundamental truth: employees speak different leadership languages. We must be willing to learn our employee’s leadership needs, or shall we say leadership language, if we are to be effective leaders.

When it comes to a spoken language, most of us grow up learning the language of our parents, which becomes our primary language. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication is limited. We rely on pointing, making sounds, drawing pictures and even acting out our ideas. We can communicate but it is awkward.

This is exactly what happens when you do not adapt your leadership style to the needs of those you are leading. While you are technically leading, it may come across as clumsy, even lacking impact.

Here in the GCC most of us also speak a secondary language. We speak and understand best our native languages. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. But the more we speak a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it.

In the area of leadership it is similar. Your leadership language and the language of your direct reports may be as different as Arabic to Chinese. No matter how hard your try to lead in your language, your employees understand only in their language.

While you may have a leadership style that feels natural to you, you can learn and grow to become proficient in secondary leadership styles. The key to achieving this is to understand your employees' unique needs. Then and only then will you be ready to adapt your style to have the maximum effect.

So the question you need to be asking yourself is: “What do my team members need from me as a leader?” When you ask yourself this, try to picture them answering rather than looking in a mirror and hearing your own words bounce off it. Every day they give you clues as to what they desire. This could range from support to direction, to attention or confidence to develop.

Instead of leading the way you want to be led and leaving everyone else wanting for more from you, adapt your leadership style. You need to learn to speak different leadership languages.

Tommy Weir is a leadership adviser, author of 10 Tips for Leading in the Middle East and other leadership writings and the founder of the Emerging Markets Leadership Center

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