When Vanilla Ice had a brainwave to combine 1980s revivalism, Christmas pantomime histrionics, second-rate hip-hop and ice skating, he must have thought he’d hit on the best idea of the year. Sadly fans disagreed.
The planned Vanilla Ice on Ice shows that were due to take place at London's Alexendra Palace from December 20-22 – featuring, as you might imagine, Vanilla Ice on skates – have been cancelled.
Promoters Cuffe and Taylor said: “Ticket sales were not what we expected.” Oh really?
Still, although his plan fell through, perhaps Mr Ice’s fellow pop stars will be thinking about how they might be able to revive, and cash in on, their fading star power with a name-related novelty gig. Here are a few we would love to see.
Hall and Oates perform in a hall, with oats
Yes, the inoffensive American soft-rock duo might like to get involved with the efforts to refurbish Buckingham Palace. They could play in the palace’s largest hall to an audience of horses feasting on oats, with porridge for their riders.
Van Morrisson to tour Morrisson’s supermarkets
The notoriously grumpy Irish singer finally lets his guard down to tour one of the UK's largest supermarket chains. Audiences will be thrilled by songs such as Tupelo Honey, performed in aisle six, next to the jam, and How Long Has This Been Going On?, a treatise on the annoying habit of lazy people illegally parking in mother-and child-spaces. For added effect, he will arrive at the start of each gig in a van.
Kate Bush, in a bush
Kate Bush has been having a strange time lately. One minute she's selling out 25 consecutive gigs at the Royal Albert Hall, the next she has decided to announce that she thinks Theresa May is a great prime minister and so none of her core audience demographic likes her anymore. Logically, she would go back to nature and build, a wickerman-style stage out of shrubbery, and sing her heart out. with all due respect to health and safety, the set would burn at the end of the show – like Edward Woodward in The Wicker Man – and she would emerge reborn and less politcally provocative.
John Cougar Mellencamp’s guide to camping
The throaty American rock singer takes us on a journey that teaches us to pitch tents, light fires, toast marshmallows and make s’mores.
