When it comes to guilty pleasures, reality TV is tops. As sure as sunrise, it gives us all something scorching to talk about besides the weather.
In 2011, as summer slides into autumn, reality television spins a skewed, gossip-filled universe, where obsessions both magnificent and madcap drive the story and the players risk shame and humiliation on the path to fame.
As well as giving producers the power to make people miserable for others' amusement, reality TV lets viewers experience tasty slices of how the rest of the world lives, to watch dreams come true, to safely navigate the extremes of human behaviour and celebrity mood swings from the comforts of the sofa.
The world over, reality feeds the need for escapism. The more unreal, the better. If the Hollywood recluse Greta Garbo were alive today, she might mutter: "I want to be alone... with my Ice Road Truckers." With this in mind, here's a sampler roundup of the most recent, increasingly bizarre offerings from North America.
New Jersey-fication
The Garden State existed in relative obscurity until The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo) came along in 2009, quickly followed by the Jersey Shore (MTV) phenomena, which flung us into the beachfront "guido" lifestyle of Seaside Heights with the likes of hardbody Mike "The Situation" DelVecchio and curvy but dim Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi who, in the most recent season, asked — "Where is Montana? Is that a state?" — in a live radio interview. In Montana.
As the Housewives enter their fourth season, comes a new spin-off — Boys to Manzo (Bravo) — which puts housewife Caroline Manzo's sons, Chris and Albie, in a new Hoboken home. Another new show from the Garden state, Tough Cookies (Food Network), sees sisters Linda Brand and Susan Adair, who own Crazy Susan's Cookie Company in Ocean City, invent banana-split cookies in a family that squabbles like macaws in heat. The icing on the Jersey reality cake is a new season of Jerseylicious (Style Network), which follows the snippy ways of stylists at the Gatsby Salon - making them big-haired stars in the process.
Family frolics
While likely to inspire few, if any, of her fellow Americans to vote her into the White House, Sarah Palin's Alaska (Discovery) makes great TV with eye-popping vistas of northern landscapes, flora and fauna, all nicely garnished with family moments (salmon fishing, white-water rafting, dog sledding).
There's more to urban life than being a rapper's "baby mama". Just ask Antonia "Toya" Carter — Lil' Wayne's ex-wife and mother of his daughter Reginae. Two years ago, she starred in Tiny and Toya (BET) with Tameka "Tiny" Cottle, also "baby mama" to two kids for rapper TI.
But baby-mama evolution is unstoppable; now Antonia has her very own show, Toya (BET), as she fights to keep her New Orleans clan together and to avoid the perils of street life. Also worth a peek, and available in the UAE: former Spice Girl Mel B: It's a Scary World (Style); The Family Crews (BET, rebroadcast in the UAE on MTV) and the lives of rock star wives in Married to Rock (E! Entertainment).
Special K to the max
It would be unthinkable not to mention the Kardashians, the gold standard for reality TV, the three sisters who shot to fame with Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E! Entertainment), with the sixth season to begin airing in the UAE this month.
Kim Kardashian — look for her wedding special sometime before the end of the year — will be featured along with new husband, professional basketball player Kris Humphries, sisters Khloe and Kourtney, brother-in-law basketballer Lamar Odom (Khloe's husband), her twin sisters Kylie and Kendall, brother Rob, parents Kris and Bruce Jenner and assorted other hangers-on.
E! seems rarely to be without some form of Kardashian show on. That includes the fourth and newest spin-off, Khloe and Lamar, and a new season of Kim and Kourtney Take New York. (Khloe and Kourtney already took Miami.)
The weird
My Mom the Centerfold (Discovery Health) features plastic-surgery model/mum Alicia Douvall, who has gone under the cosmetic knife 16 times.
Sister Wives (TLC) features a polygamist with four wives — Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn.
Then there is the riveting Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC), where preschoolers are dolled up with make-up, spray tans and wigs and pushed into beauty pageants.
Hard work? How amusing!
Imagine what it's like to drive an 18-wheeler across (hopefully) frozen northern lakes with Ice Road Truckers (History), wondering when you'll be dropped into winter's dunk tank. Or grab your vicarious chainsaw and rev up the deep-woods risks with Ax Men (History), a new dose of TV testosterone.
Then there are the two nut-stripping wrench-heads — father Paul Teutul, Sr and son Paul Teutul, Jr, on American Chopper: Senior vs Junior (Discovery) — who bring the entertainment as they feud while building custom bikes.
Ghastly gourmets
On Freaky Eaters (TLC), we meet folks such as Amber, who's on track to eat 20,000kg of French fries this year.
The real gross-out champ, however, is Charmissa, a 35-year-old financial counsellor from Texas, who chews dryer sheets on My Strange Addiction (TLC). "Most people use dryer sheets in the laundry," she says. "Me, on the other hand, I love the taste."
If you can't wait till this show comes to the UAE, watch Charmissa chow down on YouTube - search for "eating" and "dryer sheets".
Wheel of misfortune
Two separate shows, Flip Men (Spike TV) and Flipping Out (Bravo), tackle the cut-throat world of buying and selling real estate.
And then there's Pawn Stars (History Channel), where the not-so-well-to-do beg bucks from tight-fisted pawnbrokers for family heirlooms.
Also check out Storage Wars (A&E), where hustlers buy everything in storage lockers people can no longer afford to rent — and resell to clean up financially.
Cats & dogs
My Cat from Hell (Animal Planet) sees cat behaviourist Jackson Galaxy deal with everything "from spastic cats that break up relationships to violent felines that put their owners in the hospital". One woman's comment: "I love the cat, you know. He's one of those cats who takes a while to get to know."
Cats of Claw Hill (Animal Planet) enters the private world of domestic felines, following them as they move throughout their day. It promises a "cat's eye view".
Working the other side of the street with an iffy PR challenge is Pit Bulls and Parolees (Discovery). Marvel that pit bull trainer Tia Maria Torres still has 10 fingers and a face as she tries to challenge the bad reputation of pit bulls at her Villalobos Rescue Centre.