In Pictures: The Other Oscars - Our annual alternative Academy Awards

The Seriously How Does He Have the Time Award — James Franco. No one age 35 should have their own filmography page on Wikipedia. James Franco does. He also has a rather extensive section labelled “other projects”, which includes short stories, museum exhibitions, multimedia projects, an Oscar hosting, theatre directing and musical releases. Last year, our smug overachiever appeared in not one, not two, but 11 films, three that saw him have a dabble in the director’s chair. Franco, speaking on behalf of everyone out there who previously thought they had done quite a bit with their lives, please, please get addicted to Angry Birds or something. Michael Muller / AP photo

Best Film Where Ryan Gosling Doesn’t Say All That Much Again — Only God Forgives. Anyone who has seen the last few Gosling outings might have notice a running theme involving his dialogue, ie there’s not a great deal of it. Following on from Drive and The Place Beyond the Pines — his combined script for which would probably fit on a shawarma wrapper — came this muddled pseudo-art house affair, which mostly involved our pretty boy looking blankly at the camera under a dim red light while a stony-faced cop vanquished his foes with a few well-placed knitting needles. Perhaps we’re just not getting it. Radius-TWC / AP photo

Best Public Message Urging Celebrities to Please Shut Up on Social Media — The Bling Ring. The true horror felt by Paris Hilton when she had some shoes and a couple of frocks stolen by some unruly Beverly Hills teenagers was brought the light in Sofia Coppola’s retelling of this real-life celebrity crime caper. Sadly, despite clearly underlining the dangers of going on social media channels and shouting about where you’re “partying” (and subsequently when your house is unoccupied), Hilton and her ilk continue to litter the web with their narcissistic twaddle. A24 Films

Best Zombie Defence Ruined by a Nice Sing-Song — World War Z. Ignoring the worrying messages implied in using Israel’s big illegal wall to keep out hordes of rampaging zombies, did anyone else spot the utterly ridiculously manner in which this towering defence was breached? As was outlined fairly early on in this Brad Pitt v The Infected romp, zombies react to noise, so what should be high up on the list of things not to do when trying to keep them at bay. That’s right, have a good ol’ singalong nearby. Whoops. Paramount Pictures / AP photo

Best Family-Friendly Historical Drama — The Wolf of Wall Street. What was all that fuss about regarding The Wolf of Wall Street, eh? After untold column inches about rampant swearing and white collar debauchery, anyone across the Middle East watching this quiet, family-friendly drama set in the exciting world of the 1980s stock market might have thought it all a clever marketing ploy to drum up interest. Granted, it was perhaps a bit jerky and more erratic than Scorsese’s earlier works. And it did seem somewhat shorter than the three hours originally billed. Paramount Pictures and Red Granite Pictures.

Best Attempt to Spread Sherlock Holmes Across the World — Benedict Cumberbatch. Although the third series has only just been broadcast, last year was all about Sherlock Holmes. Everywhere you looked, there he was, battering the USS Enterprise in Star Trek Into Darkness, letting massive cats out of the bag in The Fifth Estate, engaging in despicable colonial practices in 12 Years A Slave and even providing the dulcet tones of massive Middle-earth dragons (a role that saw him team up with his old buddy Doctor Watson) in the second Hobbit. We’re just disappointed that the costume departments weren’t able to find him a deerstalker for each of these roles. Paramount

Most Unrealistic Portrayal of a Human Taking a Pill — Meryl Streep in August: Osage County (with honourable mentions for Jonah Hill and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street and all those sick men in the Dallas Buyers Club). Many real people take pills every day for variety of reasons — they are called vitamins, and some down big wacks of them. And they manage to do it without tossing their head back dramatically like some sort of car crash victim. Yet there is Meryl Streep in every other scene giving herself whiplash tossing back a few tiny sedatives. Dear actors: a sip of water helps humans take pills. Find some other way to portray the hell (or fun) that your character is having. Toronto International Film Festival / AP photo

Best Film Where a Bunch of Friends Got Together to Make a Movie — This is the End. Best friends Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg wrote and directed, then cast their friends: a who’s-who list of young Hollywood including James Franco, Mindy Kaling, Jonah Hill, Emma Watson — even Rihanna! Columbia Pictures — Sony, Suzanne Hanover / AP photo

Worst Film Where a Bunch of Friends Got Together to Make a Movie — Grown Ups 2. Possibly the worst movie of 2013. Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James and David Spader didn’t even seem like they were having fun. Sony — Columbia Pictures, Tracy Bennett / AP photo

Most Spot on Spoof of an Oscar Film — SNL’s Her. Saturday Night Live poked fun at Spike Jonze’s magnificent man/machine romance with its own version, titled Me. Jonah Hill, spoofing Joaquin Phoenix’s character, falls in love with a Siri version of himself. Features a hilarious cameo by Michael Cera. YouTube now! NBC

The Aargh! The Space Debris is Coming Right at Me Award — Gravity in 3-D. Courtesy Warner Bros.

Best Film Never Ever Going to Be Screened Anywhere Near Here — Blue is the Warmest Colour. Sundance Selects / AP photo

The John Carter Award for Spoiling Disney’s Summer Party — The Lone Ranger. Disney Enterprises, Inc., Peter Mountain / AP photo

Best Supporting Armpit Stains — Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine. Perdido Productions

Best Abu Dhabi Shout Out in a Hollywood Film — American Hustle. Sony — Columbia Pictures, Francois Duhamel / AP photo

Most Blinking by an Actor — Jake Gylenhaal in Prisoners. His character has a blinking tick throughout the film. On Inside the Actor’s Studio, Gylenhaal explained that he came up with the tick as a way to show the detective’s intensity. Toronto International Film Festival / AP photo

Best (Almost) Silent Movie — All is Lost. In the nearly wordless 107-minute movie, Robert Redford finds himself alone in a life raft in the Indian Ocean. Director JC Chandor has described it as an “existential action film” — that pretty much says it all. Lionsgate

Most Welcomed Visit by Old Friends — Before Midnight. That is, if your have friends that look like Julie Delphi and Ethan Hawke. Having followed the couple since 1995’s Before Sunrise (when they meet as young backpackers on a train) then again in 2005’s Before Sunset (when they reconnect at a book reading in Paris), seeing them as a married couple with kids in Before Midnight did feel like a visit from old friends. What’s next — Before 9pm Bedtime? Sony Pictures Classics, Despina Spyrou / AP photo