Assassin’s Creed
Director: Justin Kurzel
Stars: Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons
Two stars
There have been sillier film premises, but even in a year that gave us Independence Day: Resurgence, I am hard pressed to think of anything as convoluted and, in the end, joyless and unrewarding as Assassin's Creed.
Basically, a death-row inmate is saved by a shadowy organisation because they need him to unlock the memories of his 15th-century ancestor, Aguilar, to find the location of an “apple” that contains the genetic code to free will, because Marion Cotillard wants to end violence ... or something.
Assassin's Creed is trying to give a serious origin story to the popular video-game series and set up possible future films – but it is hard to get interested in this one, let alone any sequels.
Director Justin Kurzel’s film embodies the worst tendencies of modern blockbusters to feel not like a full movie, but a trailer for what is to come – a television pilot on the big screen. This has become the default for franchise storytelling, where studios force audiences to demand more by not giving them a full story in the first place.
In the case of Assassin's Creed, they try to give an emotional entry into an ancient conflict between the Templars, who want order, and the Assassins, who have sworn to preserve free will at all costs, through the story of Cal Lynch.
We meet him as a child, who returns home one day to find his mum dead. His dad is wearing a hooded cape, holding a knife and tells Cal he needs to get out and “live in the shadows”. Then some government types in black SUVs storm the house as Cal escapes across the rooftops.
Did his dad kill his mum? Was he trying to protect Cal? And what was with that cape? The answers sort of come, but not for a while, by which time you may have forgotten that you were supposed to care in the first place.
Fast-forward and Cal (Michael Fassbender) is about to be executed – but then wakes up in an operating room where Sofia (Cotillard) explains that her company faked his death and he will now be working for her and her father (Jeremy Irons).
Cal, sensing that their frequent reassurances that he is not a prisoner means exactly the opposite, attempts to escape, in the first of at least three unintentionally hilarious slow-mo sequences.
They hook him up to an insane contraption called the Animus that allows Cal to relive the memories of his Assassin ancestor in 1492 Spain – basically plugging him into an incredibly realistic video game – where he and his fellow Assassins hunt for the Apple of Eden, a device created by a technologically advanced prehuman civilisation.
It is all so relentlessly dumb and confusing. Even the visuals lack flair – which is surprising given Kurzel turned in the stylish Macbeth last year, also starring Fassbender and Cotillard.
In the end, the real mystery has little to do with Assassins, Templars or the Apple of Eden, and more to do with why so many talented actors and filmmakers thought this was a good idea.
• Assassin’s Creed is now showing in cinemas
* Lindsey Bahr / AP
The specs
Engine: 2-litre or 3-litre 4Motion all-wheel-drive Power: 250Nm (2-litre); 340 (3-litre) Torque: 450Nm Transmission: 8-speed automatic Starting price: From Dh212,000 On sale: Now
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
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The specs
Engine: 77.4kW all-wheel-drive dual motor
Power: 320bhp
Torque: 605Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Price: From Dh219,000
On sale: Now
APPLE IPAD MINI (A17 PRO)
Display: 21cm Liquid Retina Display, 2266 x 1488, 326ppi, 500 nits
Chip: Apple A17 Pro, 6-core CPU, 5-core GPU, 16-core Neural Engine
Storage: 128/256/512GB
Main camera: 12MP wide, f/1.8, digital zoom up to 5x, Smart HDR 4
Front camera: 12MP ultra-wide, f/2.4, Smart HDR 4, full-HD @ 25/30/60fps
Biometrics: Touch ID, Face ID
Colours: Blue, purple, space grey, starlight
In the box: iPad mini, USB-C cable, 20W USB-C power adapter
Price: From Dh2,099
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Where to submit a sample
Volunteers of all ages can submit DNA samples at centres across Abu Dhabi, including: Abu Dhabi National Exhibition Centre (Adnec), Biogenix Labs in Masdar City, NMC Royal Hospital in Khalifa City, NMC Royal Medical Centre, Abu Dhabi, NMC Royal Women's Hospital, Bareen International Hospital, Al Towayya in Al Ain, NMC Specialty Hospital, Al Ain
How to donate
Send “thenational” to the following numbers or call the hotline on: 0502955999
2289 – Dh10
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6025 – Dh20
6027 – Dh 100
6026 – Dh 200
Company Fact Box
Company name/date started: Abwaab Technologies / September 2019
Founders: Hamdi Tabbaa, co-founder and CEO. Hussein Alsarabi, co-founder and CTO
Based: Amman, Jordan
Sector: Education Technology
Size (employees/revenue): Total team size: 65. Full-time employees: 25. Revenue undisclosed
Stage: early-stage startup
Investors: Adam Tech Ventures, Endure Capital, Equitrust, the World Bank-backed Innovative Startups SMEs Fund, a London investment fund, a number of former and current executives from Uber and Netflix, among others.
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Sui Dhaaga: Made in India
Director: Sharat Katariya
Starring: Varun Dhawan, Anushka Sharma, Raghubir Yadav
3.5/5