"Two turtle doves / that Shakespeare loved ... endangered now / by herbicide / the chopping down / of where they hide." How's that for an update on a traditional Christmas carol? Feeling festive now? Thought not.
The line comes from The Twelve Days of Christmas 2009, by the UK's Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy. And the first Christmas poem by the first woman to hold the post is causing huge controversy.
Duffy begins with a cutting comment on the war in Afghanistan: "Somewhere down the line, for another father, husband, brother, son / a bullet with his name on."
She takes aim at "bankers' profits fired in greed", and this year's infamous British parliamentary expenses crisis: "One milked money to mend her moat".
There is festive cheer of sorts - the England football manager Fabio Capello's achievements are noted, as is Joanna Lumley's success in securing justice for Ghurkas - but it ends as it began, with a plea for the people to be heard, this time at the Copenhagen climate conference.
The Twelve Days of Christmas 2009 has caused such fuss because, for many, the poet laureate is supposed to be the passive, poetic voice of the establishment.
In the Daily Mail, Richard Littlejohn said of Duffy's effort: "And a merry Christmas to you dear. I wonder what Her Maj makes of it ... this stuff wouldn't pass muster in a fifth-form limerick competition." Judith Woods, in The Daily Telegraph, called it "staggeringly joyless".
Ben Jonson was the first unofficial poet laureate in 1617: appointed by James I, and asked, as his successors would be, to mark state occasions such as births, marriages, coronations and military victories through verse. Now countries including Canada, New Zealand, USA, Ireland, and Nigeria all have poets laureate. Even Nazi Germany had one.
It's not actually an obligation for a laureate to write a Christmas poem - and indeed Duffy's is a commission from the Radio Times magazine rather than the Queen.
It's funny, sad, angry and engaging - as all the best poetry should be. More importantly, Duffy follows in a long line of Poet Laureates who haven't always towed the line. As far back as 1688, John Dryden was removed from the position by William III because, as a converted Catholic, he refused to take an oath of allegiance to the new government.
Two centuries later, Alfred, Lord Tennyson took on the role. One of the most famous poets laureates, his tenure coincided with Queen Victoria's reign, and he could be as servile as the next laureate - particularly in the poem to mark Victoria's golden jubilee in 1887. But he is most famous for The Charge of the Light Brigade, with its memorable dig at the Crimean War: "Not tho' the soldier knew, someone had blunder'd - Charging an army, while all the world wonder'd."
And it's this uneasy balance, between writing about Britain and writing for Britain, that laureates have increasingly struggled with.
Ted Hughes, too, will always be celebrated as one of the great 20th century poets, but he also found writing to royal appointment tough-going and he resorted to woolly, sepia-tinged cliché. It left his cutting-edge reputation tarnished.
But it was Andrew Motion who changed the image of the role, perhaps for good. In 1999 he announced that he would only remain laureate for 10 years, rather than until death as tradition demanded.
In 2000, his Christmas poem talked of London homelessness, "a shanty town of cardboard boxes". He followed that with a protest poem about the invasion of Iraq.
"Take Eden, further south: at dawn today / I ordered up my troops to tear away / its walls and gates so everyone can see / that gorgeous fruit which dangles from its tree." It caused a sensation.
Motion admitted his eight royal poems were the hardest of his career to write, and were scrutinised like no other piece of writing.
And there lies the rub. Everything a poet laureate writes is pored over in microscopic detail. So when, or if, Prince William announces his engagement to Kate Middleton, it'll be fascinating to see what kind of style Carol Ann Duffy employs.
Time will tell whether Britain has a rebel Poet Laureate on its hands.
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: HyperSpace
Started: 2020
Founders: Alexander Heller, Rama Allen and Desi Gonzalez
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: Entertainment
Number of staff: 210
Investment raised: $75 million from investors including Galaxy Interactive, Riyadh Season, Sega Ventures and Apis Venture Partners
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If you go
Where to stay: Courtyard by Marriott Titusville Kennedy Space Centre has unparalleled views of the Indian River. Alligators can be spotted from hotel room balconies, as can several rocket launch sites. The hotel also boasts cool space-themed decor.
When to go: Florida is best experienced during the winter months, from November to May, before the humidity kicks in.
How to get there: Emirates currently flies from Dubai to Orlando five times a week.
COMPANY PROFILE
Founders: Alhaan Ahmed, Alyina Ahmed and Maximo Tettamanzi
Total funding: Self funded
Nayanthara: Beyond The Fairy Tale
Starring: Nayanthara, Vignesh Shivan, Radhika Sarathkumar, Nagarjuna Akkineni
Director: Amith Krishnan
Rating: 3.5/5
Cultural fiesta
What: The Al Burda Festival
When: November 14 (from 10am)
Where: Warehouse421, Abu Dhabi
The Al Burda Festival is a celebration of Islamic art and culture, featuring talks, performances and exhibitions. Organised by the Ministry of Culture and Knowledge Development, this one-day event opens with a session on the future of Islamic art. With this in mind, it is followed by a number of workshops and “masterclass” sessions in everything from calligraphy and typography to geometry and the origins of Islamic design. There will also be discussions on subjects including ‘Who is the Audience for Islamic Art?’ and ‘New Markets for Islamic Design.’ A live performance from Kuwaiti guitarist Yousif Yaseen should be one of the highlights of the day.
Electoral College Victory
Trump has so far secured 295 Electoral College votes, according to the Associated Press, exceeding the 270 needed to win. Only Nevada and Arizona remain to be called, and both swing states are leaning Republican. Trump swept all five remaining swing states, North Carolina, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin, sealing his path to victory and giving him a strong mandate.
Popular Vote Tally
The count is ongoing, but Trump currently leads with nearly 51 per cent of the popular vote to Harris’s 47.6 per cent. Trump has over 72.2 million votes, while Harris trails with approximately 67.4 million.
UPI facts
More than 2.2 million Indian tourists arrived in UAE in 2023
More than 3.5 million Indians reside in UAE
Indian tourists can make purchases in UAE using rupee accounts in India through QR-code-based UPI real-time payment systems
Indian residents in UAE can use their non-resident NRO and NRE accounts held in Indian banks linked to a UAE mobile number for UPI transactions
COMPANY%20PROFILE%20
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The specs
Engine: 6.2-litre V8
Power: 502hp at 7,600rpm
Torque: 637Nm at 5,150rpm
Transmission: 8-speed dual-clutch auto
Price: from Dh317,671
On sale: now
Brief scores:
Manchester City 2
Gundogan 27', De Bruyne 85'
Crystal Palace 3
Schlupp 33', Townsend 35', Milivojevic 51' (pen)
Man of the Match: Andros Townsend (Crystal Palace)
The specs
Engine: 1.5-litre 4-cylinder petrol
Power: 154bhp
Torque: 250Nm
Transmission: 7-speed automatic with 8-speed sports option
Price: From Dh79,600
On sale: Now
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Qyubic
Started: October 2023
Founder: Namrata Raina
Based: Dubai
Sector: E-commerce
Current number of staff: 10
Investment stage: Pre-seed
Initial investment: Undisclosed
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