Watching all 380 Premier League matches live and in High Definition mode will test the endurance of even the most sloth-like armchair devotee of the beautiful game this winter. Experience suggests that not every Super Saturday or Sunday will be quite as gripping as the trailers would have you believe, so you might need something extra to keep the grey matter active.
Here we have modified one of the old I-Spy books that were service station staples in the days before iPods and head-rest mounted DVD players, to make sure you don't nod off on days when Wigan Athletic versus West Bromwich Albion is the most exciting fixture of the day. Items needed: pencil, sharpener, paper to keep your score, television, remote control. √ John Terry sharpening his studs and ramping up the venom on his way into a 50-50 challenge with Steven Gerrard, and vice versa. Add five bonus points if the commentator subsequently decries the issues of a straight red card, suggesting "there was no malice there" - one point
√ Joe Cole accepting a generous standing ovation from Liverpool fans as he is substituted after 71 minutes, looking content in the fact he has contributed three back-heels and a tackle to his Opta statistics - one point (rising by a point for every month of the season) √ Yossi Benayoun entering the fray with 13 minutes to go for Chelsea, and still finding time to set up three gilt-edged chances for teammates and hitting a post himself - one point
√ Samir Nasri starting a fight, before melting into the background as Abou Diaby gets overrun trying to defend his Arsenal teammate. Add an extra bonus point if Arsene Wenger later moans that if this is football, he does not want any part of it. Even though he didn't see it - one point √ "Escape from Alcaraz" headline for every time Wigan lose or draw a game thanks to an incident that can be linked, however tenuously, to their new Paraguayan signing Antolin Alcaraz - one point
√ Avram Grant justifying signing Tal Ben Haim for West Ham with a weekly 10 minute substitute cameo, followed by a don't-worry-my-friend, I'll-see-you-right embrace on the field at the end of a narrow defeat - one point √ Mark Hughes, the new Fulham manager, discovering that his Gucci shoes are not as sturdy as the football boots he wore as a player, and hence takes a tumble just as he is about to shake hands with his opposite number - one point
√ Ian Holloway comparing the thrashing his Blackpool side have just been handed by Manchester United/City/Chelsea to the day foxes raided his DIY chicken coop - two points √ In the background of a shot of Roberto Mancini sashaying around Manchester City's technical area in gorgeous and suave fashion, Shaun Wright-Phillips gaily smiling along with some jolly jape while warming the substitutes' bench and looking forward to the arrival of this week's wages - two points
√ Didier Drogba playing air guitar using the corner flag as a prop, with Florent Malouda on drums and sundry Chelsea players striking up a bittersweet symphony in front of the Matthew Harding Stand - two points √ Chris Hughton looking a little overwhelmed when his Newcastle charges Andy Carroll and Joey Barton square up to each other, so he sends Steven Taylor over to broker a peace deal - two points
√ Commentator singing a eulogy to Wayne Rooney, and suggesting the Manchester United striker now edges Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo as the world's best player, after he flat-track bullies a hat-trick past Blackpool/Wigan - two points √ Marouane Fellaini, the giant-haired Everton midfielder - flailing a cheeky elbow in the direction of Sotirios Krygiakos, his cross-Liverpool sparring partner, to get everyone in the mood for the first Merseyside derby of the campaign - two points
√ David Bentley beating his defender for pace - five points √ Owen Hargreaves - five points √ Bobby Zamora cracking a smile - five points √ A footballer without a tattoo - five points √ Sir Alex Ferguson granting the BBC a few extra bonus questions at the end of an interview, on account of their mutual respect - 10 points √ Roberto Martinez offering sincere words of consolation to Mick McCarthy, on account of the fact his Wigan side have just pipped Wolves to the title - 10 points
√ Gary Neville leaving his car at his Telly Tubby Land home and getting a lift to Old Trafford with Anderson, his Manchester United teammate, instead - 10 points. @Email:sports@thenational.ae