There’s only one topic on everyone’s lips in the United Kingdom just now, and that’s Europe – or more specifically, the UK’s place within Europe. Should the “sceptred isle” be in or out? Stick or twist? Stay close to the bosom of its continental neighbours, or go it alone?
The referendum on whether the country should remain in the EU is due to take place on June 23, but a yes vote is by no means a foregone conclusion, for an innate and deep-rooted suspicion of all things foreign still persists in the British psyche. And if any one event perfectly symbolises our tortured danse macabre with mainland Europe, it surely has to be the announcement this week from Tesco, the UK's largest supermarket chain, that it is phasing out the traditional crescent-shaped croissants at its 6,800 superstores, in preference for new, straight versions.
The word croissant – you knew this, didn’t you? – means crescent in French, and hence this confection’s unique and distinctive shape; it’s raison d’être, you could even say. But according to Tesco, a new shape of British croissant can only be an improvement on the original.
“At the heart of the move away from curved croissants to straight is the spreadability factor,” said Harry Jones, a spokesman for the company.
“With the crescent-shaped croissants, it’s more fiddly, and most people can take up to three attempts to achieve perfect coverage, which increases the potential for accidents involving sticky fingers and tables.”
Perhaps so. But some people see Tesco’s timing on the croissant question as a clear message to floating referendum voters. “We don’t need to bow down to foreign ways and foreign customs,” it seems to be saying, “we can make things how we like to make them, the British way.”
Meanwhile, back and forth across the airwaves, the Eurocentrics and Eurosceptics slug it out for precious votes, strewing statistics and economic forecasts about as if they were confetti – and with about as much lasting effect.
Those in favour of remaining inside the EU cite any attempt to leave as a “leap in the dark”, as well as offering, in the words of Chancellor George Osborne, “a seismic shock to the British economy”. By contrast, those in favour of a “Brexit” (British exit) from the EUassure Britons that by reclaiming their sovereignty from the Brussels bureaucrats, they’ll be able to gain control of both the judicial system and levels of immigration, as well as saving a ton of money in the process.
A few weeks ago, the yes campaign seemed to be romping home, but any hope the prime minister, David Cameron, might have had of an easy victory has been thwarted by a series of high-profile defections by some of his closest political colleagues, including the irrepressible and influential London mayor, Boris Johnson. And with each new defection, the Brexit campaign is gaining momentum.
Mr Cameron may seem confident of a positive result come polling day, even though he has promised that in the event of a victory for Brexit he will pull the country out of the EC “without delay”. But he also knows such a personal humiliation would inevitably result in his resignation, thus possibly clearing the way for Mr Johnson himself to take over the top job.
For one bewildered voter – namely me – the complex economic and political arguments being bandied back and forth are all missing the point. The benefit of remaining part of Europe is not just about economics, or politics, or even the required curvature of croissants; but in collective mutual security. In the 60 years since the EU was formed, the organisation has largely managed to prevent its component nations from declaring outright war on one another, in stark contrast to the previous half century, when Europe tore itself – and much of the world – apart, twice in quick succession.
For that reason alone the EU surely deserves the UK’s backing. And if it means we have to have to contend with curved croissants or risk the wrath of the Brussels bureaucrats, I for one will consider it to be a price worth paying.
Michael Simkins is an actor and writer in London
On Twitter: @michael_simkins